writer`s block

07.20.11

she has been taken from me. Passion has been captured and driven into the deep-seated corners of my heart. unreachable. he took her. pulling her from the tip, one thread at a time. my delicate, hand-crafted web. shimmering, silver threads, woven into star-shaped treasure. when plucked gently, her iridescence sings in flavored colors. each string a different note, another color, one after another declaring beauty in soft glimmering light and immortal steam. the stringed web illuminates touching strings and plucking smoke in forms of luscious rosy pinks, deep blues, living greens and black violets. one evokes another and another, awaking each sliver of silver into life. it breathes. as adam did take his first breath. dirt to flesh. it breathes. my web. thoughts. pictures. notes. words. perfectly hand-crafted by my Love. shameless, consuming ardent words. but she is marred by dense, Dark Matter. a black hole. his name is Sin. he watches. touches. then slowly amplifies, spreading throughout my web. blistering. Passion can no longer capture, for she is being captured. spun up and tangled by him. a liar. she screams deep blue luminate tears. fading. dulling. becoming stone.

cold.

hard.

lifeless.

St. Andrews

Dublin, Ireland

flower

Cliffs of Moher

some photos i took of the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland

the secret garden.

behind the honeysuckles and forsythias, through the pine trees and across the pebbled path, a step off course, there is a garden. hidden amid the busy world, serenity awaits. a glance beside is a dogwood tree; pink-in-bloom, hovering over deep red berries. the grass is taller here, where no feet dare tread. blades bend and bob in the breeze. a step farther sits an iron bench, copper speckled in a nook between branches. i sit with peaceful expectation- knees up and bare feet. a little, dotted bird hops beneath me. chirp and look for food. as i sit, i listen to the soft pond, the running waterfall. down. down. down the mossy rocks between crevices in the surface, like a spring. the water bubbles. chanting and pattering to the meet the pond where little golden-scaled fishies swim amongst the lilly pads. i wonder about He who made this sanctuary. surely it was made for me, for my love knows what enchants me; what romances my heart. fallen pine cones. the bluebells, buttercups and ambrosias. the charismatic robin who tips his head as if to say “how do you do?” a bluejay nestles himself in the pink dogwood, and two metallic, blue-green love birds sweep through again and fly away together side-by-side.

it has been so long since i have been alone like this- in company of the birds` melodic songs and the golden fish and the bumble bees. and deep thought of the beauty surrounding me crosses mind: God must be so beautiful for having created such vastly different things of the earth and sky- and of his soul. beauty, which reflects the desires of His heart, touches me in the breeze that bumps my skin and the efflorescence that bring pleasure to my eyes. the complexity of the earth is in reality such a simplicity. for God so loved that He gave . . . these gifts which are messages of the simplest, and most complex love story ever told. and yet man, as in our nature, convolute and snag and twist; when all that is asked of us is to simply say “yes.”

- hillary nicole

4. 19.11

budding dance

you are my elixir

sweetness is your hand brushing mine

charm, compelling me to blush and bloom

beneath the apple blossoms, lilies and blue bealls.

the delicate knell that is my heart`s efflorescence,

purple lilacs ringing, rippling back and forth,

honeysuckles nectar

descending as softens the breeze.

young and lush is our flesh,

seeking delight in each other

with swelling, plumes of ethereal embers.

i a floweret

fickle and coy

but you, a chevalier,

capture me

enthralled with pleasance

strength and softness blend chestnut and hazel,

silk reposing draped fully

envelopes our frame

lost in your protection

whimsical, our love dances

beneath the moonbeams.

a transposing heart

her heart is being renovated,

transposed.

a modulation from its stagnant state to sundry color

seven years a hollow heart bleeds

do you hear it?

thumping. dragging of chains.

unacknowledged in their presence

the tedious humdrum of a forlorn soul

broken to a shattered glassy shine

reflecting perfection deep, but blemished.

perverted from its organic essence

into a hot mess,

an unadorned breath

dejected and destroyed

weeping and blue

cherishes her castle dreams.

her spirit longs to deviate from her

rais`ed form.

she has dream`ed of sincerity

of faithfulness, and adventure

biting into fresh plumbs

purple juices dripping down her face.

but experience speaks lies

she questions why, but

her heart`s response is too ambiguous,

too deeply secluded. masqued. burried in her blood.

cloaked with deception

slander to her purest heart

eclipsed in the shadows of the moonlit trees

and camouflaged by nightfall.

her heart is being renovated,

transposed.

brilliant fire gains victory over inky smudges

thought permanent.

hidden in the dusty cornered rooms

of her heart

a glow ignites iridescence here.

and it paints and polishes

dispelling obscurity, and

leaving sparkle in her emerald eyes

again.

-hillary nicole

02.08.11

a mistake

soo...i wrote this for my american lit class the other day...but i don`t think i actually followed the directions given, slash i couldn`t find them...either way, its an okay "poem" i guess, as good as poems can be, esp. when i am the one attempting to create them...

ice storm

out there
bitter beats the windows
the fierce leaves chimneys blue and panes begging,
but he is merciless to them

trees twinge
screaming, salted flowers suffer
crystal shatters

every blow erupts a frenzy
leaving morose our hearts
draining warmth from our bodies,
we surrender to the night.

savage slows to civil
and turns to lull us
becoming radiant,
the moon smiles at the frozen world
and charms the frosty trees and grass
a stunning glow covers the earth
and settles and enthralls and glitters.
peace.

-hillary nicole

Where I`m From

I am from cool summer nights, twinkling fireflies, glitter illuminates the sky.

I am from bare feet running in fields,

damp green squish between my toes.

I am from spotlights, big stages and microphones

Eyes closed, lungs expanded, let go.

I am from the city streets,

busy people, traffic lights, stuck in their bluetooth.

I am from a coffee addiction, where Starbucks is on every corner,

not a sugar person.

I am from the only sane one, oldest of four

always playing mommy.

I am from an addictive personality

searching and found, fearful of peace.

I am from Italian wine, black, boots and colored scarves,

born to be a European.

I am from beautiful Russian language, but I could never be Russian

I smile in pictures.

I am from the crisp strums of my guitar

gold and incandescent resonate the cherry wood and pearl.

Eager to live the passion that tempers my ardent soul.

-Hillary Nicole

loosing my virginity

there is just something about buying a cup of coffee that makes the world turn that much smoother. at christmastime starbucks decks their cups with red and white snowflakes and carolers, delicately topping the softly whipped cream with dotted green and red. and the decorative cups brew an even better coffee, producing a special kind of magic that i wait for every year to envelop my mouth and consume my taste buds. white peppermint mochas, gingerbread lattes, eggnog, toffee nut, caramel brulee!

i order my signature holiday drink: a grande nonfat peppermint latte, with no foam. my mouth begins to salivate as i hand the cashier my credit card. before she can swipe, john steps in. punching his code and waving my fee, upgrading me to a venti with a smile and a “how are you?” i`ve known john for years. from the days when he worked at game stop at the strip; i was fifteen and sporting volcom and heavy eyeliner. back when the shade of black was my favorite color and my vans were laced with pink on the left sneaker and blue duckies on the right. our relationship has moved on since then, going from awkward, Ville Valo obsessed, teenage girls stopping by the game store to talk to creepy older men for no apparent reason to early twenties, free coffee and enjoying each others company when there is nothing to do in nova but just sit and caffeinate your heart.

i remember the first day i ever went to starbucks. i was thirteen and it was snowing outside. i had decided to join the youth choir at church and it was my first day leading the worship service. december. the church was decorated with garland, holly and wreathes hanging from the balcony of the white sanctuary. christmas trees and lights and red poinsettias. there were only eight of us that day...pastor pete had the first service and then cancelled church for the rest of the morning because of the blizzard going on outside. the eight o`clock service consisted of the older couples in the church and parents of the youth choir. after church three of the high school guys in the choir approached me, asking me to come to starbucks with them. when i asked them what starbucks was a look of shock fell upon their faces, and shortly after, determination as they insisted i come along for the adventure.

try fitting three tall fellows and two eighth grade girls in a tiny car in the middle of a blizzard, in northern virginia during christmas [which is like traffic lights on steroids]. i was voted the smallest and requested to lay over top of three people in the back seat because there was no room for an actual seat. [this was back when the old starbucks by pamered party was the only existing coffeeshop, mind you]. and we trecked through the ice and snow the whole two blocks to capture our coffee.

and that was the day i lost my virginity to a delicious carmel macchiato. i fell in love with this beautiful, dolche drink. the light caramel and espresso mixed together smoothly, captured my most delicate passions and desires. everything that i wanted when it came to a cup of coffee. love in a cup.

wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.

vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

blurred words.

"I don't know how I got to where I am
All I know is that I want to go back
to the moment when I fell in love with grace
and I hear You whisper

Hang on, I know your hope seems gone
Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you strong
Remember the first time love turned you around

I try my best to pray but my heart won't move
And all the words the saints say, they just don't help
I want to go back to when I first called out Your name
and I hear You whisper

To the moment when I fell in love with grace
To the day when I first called our Jesus' name"

“listen,” he said to me gently, looking into my eyes and firmly grasping my shoulders as he spoke lovingly to my soul. “everything is going to be okay. i am in control. i will protect you. i won`t let anything happen to you.” i searched his eyes, finding no doubt behind them, only soft honesty. i trusted him. he wasn`t like the other guys who had screwed me and then screwed me over. he had no malice or manipulative intentions behind his words. sure, he wasn`t perfect, but i don`t want a perfect guy. i don`t think i want a guy who seeks to be so holy in his relationships. i desire loyalty. but when we worry so much about doing the “right thing” or “god`s will” we end up missing out on what the relationship has to offer and sometimes miss out on what god`s will really is. we get so distracted at how to go about obeying that we miss the point. love. the bible clearly states the pre-marital sex is wrong, but what does god see when he looks at me? he looks on me with love. he is jealous for the things that hold me captive, but sometimes even the act of trying to live for “god`s will” takes hold of me. sometimes my thoughts are consumed with controversy.

i honestly don`t know where i am right now in my walk with god. i love him. i love him a lot. but i don`t know what i want my life to look like. i feel caught between my past and present desires. i feel trapped in a decision that i can`t really wrap my mind around. but i don`t know if i want to get out of it. my mind is so overwhelmed with choices and desires and other people`s desires for me. i want to be looked as a loving, trusting person. that is what i want. i want to just love without restrictions. to freely love. freely express. freely give. how do i do that and love the lord and be tender-hearted and mess up at the same time? i can`t clearly think what i want to say...let alone write it. i just feel blurs all around me.

search my heart. you are the only one who dared to give it all away for me.

running

the wind smacked my body as i ran. hair stringily, whipping around the frame of my face as dark pulled at my scalp. wrestling with them, i elbowed, kicked, smashed any of them that came near me with as much strength as i could muster. i sprinted. without hesitation i ran as fast as i could, leaping over stumps, roots, and rocks with speed. one foot chasing the other, building momentum as i went. the liveliness of vivid green lush rapidly swam around my body. my eyes could no longer focus on any one thing for my feet carried them too eagerly, rushing them to capture the images of my surroundings with urgency. it was beginning to become dark. the golden sunlight beamed through the peepholes of leaves and glistened copper on the ground and trunks around me. copper was a bad color. it meant that dusk was approaching and night would shortly settle in, allowing the dark to masque itself with the camouflage of the sky.

bad sentence contest

Abigail tossed and turned under her pretty, pink princess covers as she enveloped herself into a cocoon, trembling at the savage heffalump and woozley creatures lingering outside her bedroom window, howling ferociously with the blustery wind which didn`t cease to shake the house as it violently loosened the screws of the antiquely chipped shutters, the moonlight casting gnarly shadows into her room, as she waited for the bloodcurdling moment of fate.

I always loved the Blustery Day episode of Winnie the Pooh when he met the Heffalumps and Woozles :) Maybe I will continue this bad story in the future...

family and my uterus

i never write this late in the evening.

i have been thinking about my family a lot lately. my dad`s birthday was on saturday, september 11th and i didn`t really get a chance to talk to him. for that i feel ashamed. i remember back to when i couldn`t even hug my dad, let alone kiss his cheek for the sake of being vulnerable with him. i don`t know what it is about him, but there is just something that makes me hold back. i wish my parents knew how i feel. for years i have tried to tell them, but they always seem to direct the conversation to my faults instead of my feelings. defensive and in denial, my mother cannot take the blame. even when im not asking for blame, i am looked at like i was when i was a child. they don`t seen to understand that i have changed since then. it really upsets me.




(mom, jack and our dog bailey :)


i want more than anything to have a family. i was a husband who is loyal and honest
with me. i want to be with someone who will encourage me in my walk with the lord and not scold me for my mishaps, but who will walk with me through them. i want my children to know that their parents love jesus. i want my kids to know who jesus is- that you can actually have a relationship with him! and that he wants you to LIVE. i want more than anything to be united with my family. for them to truly know my heart and to just love me for that.

i just want to cry. it could be because i may be PMSing...felt the first cramp of fire tonight. im craving
chocolate and queso constantly. nothing is too much right now. headaches. backaches. finger aches! my eye is dying for crying out loud! my body is clearly pre-gaming for the big KA-BOOM that will ignite in my uterus within the next week.


ANDDD i keep craving the airport! i actually WANT to be at the atlanta airport right now. sitting and waiting. sitting and waiting. walking to other ports in order to sit and wait. looking for new stores i have yet to find in order to fill my 5 hour layovers + more than likely 2 hours of delays, while i fill myself with ben and jerry`s $6 airport smoothies, read cosmo and hide from creepers.


wow.

will it ever go away?

i am in love with my sin

i crave your body next to mine

i ache for the beat that flips you, turns your stomach inside out

and brings ecstasy to the tip.

my body proclaims insecurities

actions reflecting past destruction.

i am alone amidst the crowd

an insignificant slash of color blurred

i`m a hazard to you

in jeopardy of identity theft

my heart screams “save”

it longs for redemption, for agreement, for satisfaction

but i look elsewhere.

my soul is in danger of heartache,

vulnerable to the glitches in my genetic makeup

i spoil for another bruise,

another permanent scar i voluntarily bring to my body

internal stain, every slipup engraved, chiseled into my skin

alone. my faults are bare, written boldly on my face

seeping through my flesh to the core.

will they ever go away?

finding you.

words cannot illustrate how i feel in this moment. i crave the words that depict your essence, the aura of your soul. the tip of my tongue presses lightly upon your words, desiring more but not knowing how to find them. i remember the caress of your hands upon my curves, the familiar taste of your body, the zest of your lips and the sting of spoken words. i savor every breath we take in sync, as i indulge in you and you in me. lets play hide and seek, but promise not to disappear. ill let you find me. i bite my lip with brilliant eagerness to grasp the concept of your mind. body. spirit. your misty face, a blazing fervor for more. your bedroom eyes, the constant intensive warmth of your gaze. i sink my fingernails into your back. violence. rapturous delight. smoke. how could i have known? discover me. we are dynamic. you are insane, i am safe on the outside. let go. fears control you. let go of control. my lips are dry for you, let me drink. my arms and legs grow weak for you, hold me. my thoughts swim in you. delight in me. i want to satisfy.

remember me

remember me when it rains. when it hits your window`s glass with vigor and stains you. let me come.

remember me with the fire`s smoke. it envelops your face, your eyes, your fingers. don`t fight me. let the sparks drift. they won`t hurt. trust.

remember me with the winds. their strength pounding at your door. let me in. don`t give up on me.

my soul bleeds for you. it seeps though my flesh to yours as you try to hold back its weeping. but your hands are not enough to stop the burn, to clot the taste of pain. your body not enough to engage my soul with pleasure. the old you, the one who manipulated me and cheated me and controlled my utmost devotion, is no longer. my ardor belongs to Him and Him alone. and you and i are made new. my reverent inner marrow softens as He refines me, shifts my knowledge, my focus, my body, my heart. i am cutting-edge, animated, bubbling, dynamic, fashionable, experienced, modern, novel, original, state-of-the-art, tropical, unique, seasoned, untouched, vibrant, zesty to Him. you have new eyes. you are no longer blind. what do you see in me? i am captivated by His romance. it is pale, which beauty lightly curls. do you see me? i want it to be you.

my love has yet to taper. examine me. i want to be known. discover me. investigate the authentic me. the absolute. the honest. the physical. the sincere. the sound. the concrete.

i see the you that you don`t even see. it replenishes my laughter and restores my hope. i have faith in you because of Him. be my secret and ill be yours. although we are apart, you will always be a part of me. don`t go missing too long. i miss you.