vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

running

the wind smacked my body as i ran. hair stringily, whipping around the frame of my face as dark pulled at my scalp. wrestling with them, i elbowed, kicked, smashed any of them that came near me with as much strength as i could muster. i sprinted. without hesitation i ran as fast as i could, leaping over stumps, roots, and rocks with speed. one foot chasing the other, building momentum as i went. the liveliness of vivid green lush rapidly swam around my body. my eyes could no longer focus on any one thing for my feet carried them too eagerly, rushing them to capture the images of my surroundings with urgency. it was beginning to become dark. the golden sunlight beamed through the peepholes of leaves and glistened copper on the ground and trunks around me. copper was a bad color. it meant that dusk was approaching and night would shortly settle in, allowing the dark to masque itself with the camouflage of the sky.

finding you.

words cannot illustrate how i feel in this moment. i crave the words that depict your essence, the aura of your soul. the tip of my tongue presses lightly upon your words, desiring more but not knowing how to find them. i remember the caress of your hands upon my curves, the familiar taste of your body, the zest of your lips and the sting of spoken words. i savor every breath we take in sync, as i indulge in you and you in me. lets play hide and seek, but promise not to disappear. ill let you find me. i bite my lip with brilliant eagerness to grasp the concept of your mind. body. spirit. your misty face, a blazing fervor for more. your bedroom eyes, the constant intensive warmth of your gaze. i sink my fingernails into your back. violence. rapturous delight. smoke. how could i have known? discover me. we are dynamic. you are insane, i am safe on the outside. let go. fears control you. let go of control. my lips are dry for you, let me drink. my arms and legs grow weak for you, hold me. my thoughts swim in you. delight in me. i want to satisfy.

remember me

remember me when it rains. when it hits your window`s glass with vigor and stains you. let me come.

remember me with the fire`s smoke. it envelops your face, your eyes, your fingers. don`t fight me. let the sparks drift. they won`t hurt. trust.

remember me with the winds. their strength pounding at your door. let me in. don`t give up on me.

my soul bleeds for you. it seeps though my flesh to yours as you try to hold back its weeping. but your hands are not enough to stop the burn, to clot the taste of pain. your body not enough to engage my soul with pleasure. the old you, the one who manipulated me and cheated me and controlled my utmost devotion, is no longer. my ardor belongs to Him and Him alone. and you and i are made new. my reverent inner marrow softens as He refines me, shifts my knowledge, my focus, my body, my heart. i am cutting-edge, animated, bubbling, dynamic, fashionable, experienced, modern, novel, original, state-of-the-art, tropical, unique, seasoned, untouched, vibrant, zesty to Him. you have new eyes. you are no longer blind. what do you see in me? i am captivated by His romance. it is pale, which beauty lightly curls. do you see me? i want it to be you.

my love has yet to taper. examine me. i want to be known. discover me. investigate the authentic me. the absolute. the honest. the physical. the sincere. the sound. the concrete.

i see the you that you don`t even see. it replenishes my laughter and restores my hope. i have faith in you because of Him. be my secret and ill be yours. although we are apart, you will always be a part of me. don`t go missing too long. i miss you.

baptized in the ocean

i waited patiently at the sea`s shore. the sky slowly becoming grey. the waves tumbling to my knees. they asked for next in line. it was my turn. i waded out into the water, black, overly large t-shirt becoming drenched as i walked farther, fighting the waves as they continued to pound me. i grabbed his arm and he held me firmly so i would not fall. “Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” he said to me. “YES!” i shouted, excitement swelling up inside of my body. “then it is my honor to baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” i felt my body push down into the cold waves. imersed in the ocean`s salty, foamy liquid. God took everything that i had done to hurt him, to hurt others, to hurt myself. everything i had done that stopped my growth with Jesus was thrown away in that moment. He cleansed me. i came back to surface, letting the warm air deeply fill my lungs in one swift breath. “breathe in life,” the Lord said to me. i smiled at him and said thank you as i walked out of the water, completely renewed. a representation of giving my life back to Jesus after all this time of disobedience. as we waited for the other baptisms to be finished, cheering and screaming for those who made a decision to give their lives over to the Lord, the sky grew darker. we walked back to our blankets and towels, completely drenched in sand and salt. the wind started to pick up, telling us to leave. clouds surrounded us, strange shapes formed in awkward angles above. they approached us faster. darker. stranger. god was going to show us his power. the wind was no longer a breeze, but a sand storm. slapping us as we ran to the boardwalk passing over the dunes to the cars. we needed to get off the island. sand would strike my legs, arms, face in vicious, pounding blows. my life flashed before my eyes. fearfully, the Lord could take my life at any moment. but peace immediately overcame my body. if that were to happen, i would be with the creator of the universe. can you imagine the Lord standing before you?

swelling romance :)

the beach never felt more tangible. the sand never so thick in my hands. the ocean waves never more powerful- foam against the ground. the moon with never more glow. the sky so navy blackened as the coal. the chair. wooden, marked, chipped, oak to steady hold me up above. the view, as if god were to hold me as raffiki did to simba on pride rock. firmly gripping, yet gently nurturing to my needs. god takes hold of me. a heart-capturing, adventure-seeking, joy-spilling, ocean-flooding lord. he excites my soul as i skip inside. “wait. just be still,” he

says to me. “i cant!” i reply. “yes you can.” he builds excitement within me. i begin to giggle as the waves rush to shore and retreat back quickly. a glimpse, he brings a blushing-neon cloud to surface above the blue. my heart beats faster. a few moments. “wait, and i will show you more beauty than you ever imagined.” the sky grew pinker and god slowly romanced me, allowing me to see the sun more and more every second growing golden. my eyes expanded and my insides fluttered. utter joy flushed my face as i sparkled in his glory gift. climbing down to the shore, he romances me with the ocean. “walk in my waves,” he said to me. and so i walked. along the surfaced bubbles, my toes slide. my feet sink. i let them. run. arms spread, soaking him in. he sends waves up to catch me. to my knees they reach me. i giggle at his chasing, enticed by his beauty. me in his image. he shows me, coy and rosing at his silly humor. “i wont find another love like you.”

tranquility

as nature surrenders to its creator, i actively surrender to god. crickets in dewed grass, cranes spin and leap and the soft blackbird flees around me. grace. winged creatures glide to slowly rest on lightly bobbing piers. boats spur the water sending ripples, an interrupted calm. slightly salted air. breathe in deep: lungs expanded, shoulders relaxed, rib cage open. “i will fight for you. you need only to be still,” He tells me.

yellow glistens off the melted water below my swinging feet. the choppy movement almost calms me. sounds of lapping on the shoreline and bird songs resonate the soft zephyr of the wind in the bay. the bird still sits perched, turning his head this way and that, as if to watch me, a friend to keep me company in silence. but there really is no such thing as silence. for music is heard in every noise or lack there of.

layers of purple, orange, pink, yellow, ivory and blue silently sink into the bay, one on top of the other. my friend has gone. like the wind, people pass in and out of this broken-hearted city. the sky turns a deeper pink and roses as it blends. the sun`s last farewell to the day, which will soon become utter beauty as night falls. sitting here i feel like the only one at peace. i try to block out the ruff of car engines and airplanes and listen intently to the composition of the bay that He is conducting in my willing hands. beauty. i want to indulge my whole self in the captivating serenity of His creation.

i want to be authentic.

never in my life did i think i would be where i am now. never did i consider falling into the things i have let take control of my mind and body. never did i imagine a life without laughter and joy. never did i visualize myself walking without letting my lord drive me.

writing is about being honest with yourself. i am not always honest with myself, but writing has helped me to let go and be real. i think we all have issues with being real these days. i want to be authentic. i think that every person, whether they realize it or not, truly desires to find their own authentic beauty. every person wants to be fully known by someone else. we just don`t know how. so i am going to start with being honest with myself.

i was so strong. a year ago i was determined to do the will of my lord. i was willing to let my jesus talk to me and guide me through every decision i made. i was in the word every day. he taught me something new with every fragment of scripture i read. i prayed. every day for hours i sat in the corner of the nest, without doubt, i would be there. i let my life revolve around my time with god. i did not allow myself to do my homework until i had spent time with him. i fully believed that if i gave my time to god, he would give it back to me. and he did. every day i worshiped him in ways other than song. i discovered my love for writing and worshiped him with that. my corner where i sat through the pounding rain when the sky made love with the ground, the flowers blooming colors and lines of bumblebees in springtime green, snowflake evenings of michael buble and hot chocolate burning tongues. i was there, and willing to hear the voice of my lord.

it was there that i actively sought god with every breath.

as time went by, i slowly allowed sin to creep into my life. inch by inch darkness slithered into corners where i had not dusted in a while. without realizing, i let it sit there. it twisted me. it sat and twisted. sat and twisted. thorny vines sprouted and multiplied as they slithey pushed and turned and squeezed portions of my heart. suffocated pieces of me that made me who i am. suffocated the real me. authentic me. i could not discover my authentic heart because i had let sin capture my thoughts, my emotions, my body. once it took control, it thrived. it clutched every part of me that`s real and contorted it. it chained me down. i tried to run but i couldn`t escape, the chains only let me go so far before they tugged at my arms and sent me flying in reverse onto my back to start the pain all over again in the same ritual. running and falling. running and falling. part of me wanted to stay that way. i was so comfortable with my lifestyle that i gave up fighting. i had let my guard down. i allowed myself to be fully known by another person. i broke the covenant that had been set by god. i allowed myself to be changed by something other than Him. all i could pray was “help.”

the crazy thing about jesus, is that he looks at us in our most broken, rugged state: hair tangled in knots, face dirty, knees stained, clothes ripped and hearts broken, and he has compassion on us. he can pick us up wherever we are and give us hope.

i am leaving for summer project in ocean city tomorrow morning. for the first time in a long time i feel as though i am not chained down to my sin. god has always walked with me throughout this time, it was my stubbornness that kept me from changing. there are so many things that i regret, but at the same time, i would not have learned had i not experienced those things. i am coming back to my contentment in myself and in my salvation with a new perspective. with new eyes. this time has been rough and this project is going to push me, but i expect god to change my heart. it is through brokenness that we are strengthened. every note i sing, “break my heart for what breaks Yours,” is a prayer to be changed and molded and broken for the heart of jesus.

i was reading in my bible this morning when i fell asleep. when i woke up i guess the fan had turned the pages because it was set on a new passage. i had highlighted a verse that i hadn`t studied in a while:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

this summer i want to be flexible, not just to the needs of other people, but to god. i have not given him the control that he asks for over my life, and i have seen where that can go. there are so many things god is speaking to me about right now but not enough time to write them all down. i cannot wait to serve this summer and to rediscover the freedom jesus has given to me. it is about dying every single day to our sin and praying that god will take control. praying for indifference to anything that is not his will for my life. and running the moment we notice deception, lies, seductiveness and fear, that satan throws in front of us every day.

jesus, i am so weak right now. but i know that i can have hope for the future that you have planned for me. teach me what it means to guard my heart. break my heart for what breaks yours this summer. prepare my hands and heart for the people i will meet and the conversations i will have while i am there. i want to be real. i want to be authenticly renewed into the woman you created me to be. help me to see people through your eyes, with compassion and wisdom. strengthen me to have joy and contentment in You.

hillary nicole

thunder

it begins with one drop. spatter on my forehead, trickle down my freckled, sun-kissed cheeks to the tip of my chin. drip. to the ground. smash to the concrete. and then another. and then another. within seconds heaven opens up and the sky pours nourishment onto the green earth like an child`s overturned swimming pool. purples tulips. maples crimson. acorns tumble. thunder rolls. a bowling ball as it pounds the angel`s alleys and crash to lightening. sudden golden fire sparks as far as i can see. jagged ends and crisp turns traveling down and down the tapestry of the skies deep, clouded, blue, black canvass. burning sensations. i feel the livid passion of the Creator with every bowl. every time he strikes out. every time without doubt he comes through. why do i doubt Him? His love is so thick with the rain. bring the rain. soil loosens, my heart softens. rain becomes peaceful. comfort, to hear the pitter patter on the roofs of houses and window`s glass. the drenched earth breathes.

pain.

A searing stab penetrates the stomach, turning itself one way and then another, as if to carve out the only hopeful piece of me: my broken heart. Suffering torture of the mind through body. Physical illness overwhelms my flesh in throbbing nausea. Unexpected purging. Sensations travel up my throat to tongue, teeth, lips. Nervousness: never ending whirlpools rage through the body. Memories sting my mind, leading to the repetitive agony of heartache from my tingling toes to the tip of my head. Swelling, puffy, pink eyes bring pretty teardrops to the flawless, porcelain, rose kissed cheeks. Slow motion,the desolate room spins. The oak floor drenched in wet, salty pain. Naked, I stand. Light beams through the open sun-soaked window, casting soft shades onto my bare body. Beauty at its best. Absolute vulnerability. I want to run. I want to run into the arms of my prince and never let go. Forever we would be together. No drama. No manipulation. No lies. I want to wallow in his strength and dance in the joy of what love means. I want to be drenched in His silky, white purity. I am a broken woman. But brokenness makes us stronger. Transforms us into something more beautiful: what we were created to be.

keys.

he holds the key. he knows my every flaw, every joy, every sorrow, every scar, every freckle. he knows the things of which im embarrassed and the things of which i rejoice over. he knows the sins ive committed, the selfish thoughts and words that consume me. he knows my deepest desires, my passions, my insecurities. every inch of my heart and mind- every drop of blood that has dripped from my body- he knows.

i always thought i would allow the key of my heart to only one person, but now im not so sure. it has been taken and it has been abused. its been loved and its been hated. its carefully, slowly kissed and its been angrily, rapturously stifled. the key has been contorted into something it wasnt created for. its been hidden. its been kept. but it has also been set free. it has been let go. it has limitlessly soared. it has touched souls. it has given all its had. its been burnt out. but its been filled to overflow into the garden. where ripe fruit juices gush harmoniously onto the ground. red, luscious cascading tartness and sprinkled sugar melt down my hand as i drink in the pouring out of the spirit. and abundant thickness of the fruit play bountiful in my garden. the garden of my inner sanctuary, which can be made a flawless, transparent, unadulterated palace. this palace is where the key belongs. the key that the only ONE may enter and may satisfy.