wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.

vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

blurred words.

"I don't know how I got to where I am
All I know is that I want to go back
to the moment when I fell in love with grace
and I hear You whisper

Hang on, I know your hope seems gone
Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you strong
Remember the first time love turned you around

I try my best to pray but my heart won't move
And all the words the saints say, they just don't help
I want to go back to when I first called out Your name
and I hear You whisper

To the moment when I fell in love with grace
To the day when I first called our Jesus' name"

“listen,” he said to me gently, looking into my eyes and firmly grasping my shoulders as he spoke lovingly to my soul. “everything is going to be okay. i am in control. i will protect you. i won`t let anything happen to you.” i searched his eyes, finding no doubt behind them, only soft honesty. i trusted him. he wasn`t like the other guys who had screwed me and then screwed me over. he had no malice or manipulative intentions behind his words. sure, he wasn`t perfect, but i don`t want a perfect guy. i don`t think i want a guy who seeks to be so holy in his relationships. i desire loyalty. but when we worry so much about doing the “right thing” or “god`s will” we end up missing out on what the relationship has to offer and sometimes miss out on what god`s will really is. we get so distracted at how to go about obeying that we miss the point. love. the bible clearly states the pre-marital sex is wrong, but what does god see when he looks at me? he looks on me with love. he is jealous for the things that hold me captive, but sometimes even the act of trying to live for “god`s will” takes hold of me. sometimes my thoughts are consumed with controversy.

i honestly don`t know where i am right now in my walk with god. i love him. i love him a lot. but i don`t know what i want my life to look like. i feel caught between my past and present desires. i feel trapped in a decision that i can`t really wrap my mind around. but i don`t know if i want to get out of it. my mind is so overwhelmed with choices and desires and other people`s desires for me. i want to be looked as a loving, trusting person. that is what i want. i want to just love without restrictions. to freely love. freely express. freely give. how do i do that and love the lord and be tender-hearted and mess up at the same time? i can`t clearly think what i want to say...let alone write it. i just feel blurs all around me.

search my heart. you are the only one who dared to give it all away for me.

will it ever go away?

i am in love with my sin

i crave your body next to mine

i ache for the beat that flips you, turns your stomach inside out

and brings ecstasy to the tip.

my body proclaims insecurities

actions reflecting past destruction.

i am alone amidst the crowd

an insignificant slash of color blurred

i`m a hazard to you

in jeopardy of identity theft

my heart screams “save”

it longs for redemption, for agreement, for satisfaction

but i look elsewhere.

my soul is in danger of heartache,

vulnerable to the glitches in my genetic makeup

i spoil for another bruise,

another permanent scar i voluntarily bring to my body

internal stain, every slipup engraved, chiseled into my skin

alone. my faults are bare, written boldly on my face

seeping through my flesh to the core.

will they ever go away?

loving lust.

honestly, i love sin. it scares me. i love lust. why is it that as much as i know something will hurt me, i choose do it anyways? its not even mistake, i intentionally go out of my way to bring back that part of my life that has been forgiven; that wrecked my name and threw away my self-respect. life is just a circle of continued running, falling, sucking, getting back up and doing it all over again. i know he`s not good for me, yet i want him anyways. his manipulative smile, the romance, the heat. it sucks. god tells me “wait” and i tell Him “no.” if its not him, its something else. its the perfect guy in the back of my mind who will always just be my friend but treats me like gold. i could never have him. i would never tell him, that would be embarrassing. its the random, neck-bearded hippie who looks over me as if i`m a slab of meat- but the feeling of being wanted is too strong to stop. its the one who knows my past, knows my weaknesses, knows my passions and my fears. those bedroom eyes. the sexual tension. but it would never work. its my barista- the free coffee, cute smile, coy flirtation, completely innocent. its the alcohol. its the feeling of forgetting everything and loosing it for a night. indulging in anything that will numb my mind and stop the feeling in my fingers. the taste. the filling up. the blacking out. its shopping. its being careless. independent. beautiful. flawless. spending everything you have to feel good. like you`re important. its dancing. dancing like you just don`t care whose looking. maybe its appropriate, maybe not. i don`t always feel like being appropriate, acting like a lady. what if i don`t wanna be modest? what if i wanna go crazy sometimes? its the music. the beating, throbbing of my heart. the excitement. the in evitable longing for more. its letting go. feeling like you`re in control of everything, when its those things that end up controlling you.

reality check- i am not in control and i`m “freely” stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. satan`s ultimate goal is to make me miserable again. satan, back off! good thing god is bigger. i guess because of it, i know my faith is real.

under attack.

satan was out to get me. i was being thrown in all different directions. i felt helpless. useless. stupid. weak. satan was attacking. throwing everything possible at me that might make me fail. a guy at work was pursuing me. making me feel like i was all he could ever want. calling me beautiful, kind, sexy, easy-going. my dad was fighting with me about money...again. satan wanted me to feel as though no one loved me at home, and i needed someone else to care for me. he threw a man at me offering money to sleep with him. “a thousand dollars,” he said smiling handsome and smooth. satan knew i needed the money and that i wanted to feel wanted. i rebuked him, disturbed. he brought my ex boyfriend into the picture. devastate me by telling me that he is not coming back to college. piercing pain. agony. screaming. embarrassment. my heart broke all over again. and then brings him to ocean city to confuse me even more. “want to walk on the beach?” satan couldn`t have targeted me more! he deceived me. manipulated me. made my weaknesses seem desirable. made sin seem beautiful. made me feel loved and adored and wanted.

“I know the plans i have for you,” declares the Lord.

for the first time in a year i feel like i`ve come through on top of satan! god has already conquered satan and he has so much more in store for me! he had always conquered satan, i just wasn`t allowing myself to experience the freedom that comes through obedience. god calls us to be free. he wants me to experience the joy that only comes through obedience.

i woke up laughing uncontrollably in my bed. rolling over, head in the crook of my elbow, i prayed for strength for the day. that i would not allow satan to take hold of any piece of my life at any moment. laughter spilled out of my body. i couldn`t stop laughing. god spoke, “submit yourself to Me. resist the devil and he will flee from you.” and i thought, satan is attacking me because god has awesome things planned for me and he wants to stop growth in my faith! how cool is it that?! that the reason i am being targeted is because the Lord of creation wants to do something BIG with my life and that is a threat to satan. when we pursue the lord, we are threatening satan. when we speak truth, he can do nothing to argue us. we have authority over satan because the Spirit of God lives inside of us. i couldn`t be more excited right now. it blows my mind how awesome god is. and how he wants to do so many things with my life, all i need to do is say “yes.”

pain.

A searing stab penetrates the stomach, turning itself one way and then another, as if to carve out the only hopeful piece of me: my broken heart. Suffering torture of the mind through body. Physical illness overwhelms my flesh in throbbing nausea. Unexpected purging. Sensations travel up my throat to tongue, teeth, lips. Nervousness: never ending whirlpools rage through the body. Memories sting my mind, leading to the repetitive agony of heartache from my tingling toes to the tip of my head. Swelling, puffy, pink eyes bring pretty teardrops to the flawless, porcelain, rose kissed cheeks. Slow motion,the desolate room spins. The oak floor drenched in wet, salty pain. Naked, I stand. Light beams through the open sun-soaked window, casting soft shades onto my bare body. Beauty at its best. Absolute vulnerability. I want to run. I want to run into the arms of my prince and never let go. Forever we would be together. No drama. No manipulation. No lies. I want to wallow in his strength and dance in the joy of what love means. I want to be drenched in His silky, white purity. I am a broken woman. But brokenness makes us stronger. Transforms us into something more beautiful: what we were created to be.