family and my uterus

i never write this late in the evening.

i have been thinking about my family a lot lately. my dad`s birthday was on saturday, september 11th and i didn`t really get a chance to talk to him. for that i feel ashamed. i remember back to when i couldn`t even hug my dad, let alone kiss his cheek for the sake of being vulnerable with him. i don`t know what it is about him, but there is just something that makes me hold back. i wish my parents knew how i feel. for years i have tried to tell them, but they always seem to direct the conversation to my faults instead of my feelings. defensive and in denial, my mother cannot take the blame. even when im not asking for blame, i am looked at like i was when i was a child. they don`t seen to understand that i have changed since then. it really upsets me.




(mom, jack and our dog bailey :)


i want more than anything to have a family. i was a husband who is loyal and honest
with me. i want to be with someone who will encourage me in my walk with the lord and not scold me for my mishaps, but who will walk with me through them. i want my children to know that their parents love jesus. i want my kids to know who jesus is- that you can actually have a relationship with him! and that he wants you to LIVE. i want more than anything to be united with my family. for them to truly know my heart and to just love me for that.

i just want to cry. it could be because i may be PMSing...felt the first cramp of fire tonight. im craving
chocolate and queso constantly. nothing is too much right now. headaches. backaches. finger aches! my eye is dying for crying out loud! my body is clearly pre-gaming for the big KA-BOOM that will ignite in my uterus within the next week.


ANDDD i keep craving the airport! i actually WANT to be at the atlanta airport right now. sitting and waiting. sitting and waiting. walking to other ports in order to sit and wait. looking for new stores i have yet to find in order to fill my 5 hour layovers + more than likely 2 hours of delays, while i fill myself with ben and jerry`s $6 airport smoothies, read cosmo and hide from creepers.


wow.

will it ever go away?

i am in love with my sin

i crave your body next to mine

i ache for the beat that flips you, turns your stomach inside out

and brings ecstasy to the tip.

my body proclaims insecurities

actions reflecting past destruction.

i am alone amidst the crowd

an insignificant slash of color blurred

i`m a hazard to you

in jeopardy of identity theft

my heart screams “save”

it longs for redemption, for agreement, for satisfaction

but i look elsewhere.

my soul is in danger of heartache,

vulnerable to the glitches in my genetic makeup

i spoil for another bruise,

another permanent scar i voluntarily bring to my body

internal stain, every slipup engraved, chiseled into my skin

alone. my faults are bare, written boldly on my face

seeping through my flesh to the core.

will they ever go away?

finding you.

words cannot illustrate how i feel in this moment. i crave the words that depict your essence, the aura of your soul. the tip of my tongue presses lightly upon your words, desiring more but not knowing how to find them. i remember the caress of your hands upon my curves, the familiar taste of your body, the zest of your lips and the sting of spoken words. i savor every breath we take in sync, as i indulge in you and you in me. lets play hide and seek, but promise not to disappear. ill let you find me. i bite my lip with brilliant eagerness to grasp the concept of your mind. body. spirit. your misty face, a blazing fervor for more. your bedroom eyes, the constant intensive warmth of your gaze. i sink my fingernails into your back. violence. rapturous delight. smoke. how could i have known? discover me. we are dynamic. you are insane, i am safe on the outside. let go. fears control you. let go of control. my lips are dry for you, let me drink. my arms and legs grow weak for you, hold me. my thoughts swim in you. delight in me. i want to satisfy.

remember me

remember me when it rains. when it hits your window`s glass with vigor and stains you. let me come.

remember me with the fire`s smoke. it envelops your face, your eyes, your fingers. don`t fight me. let the sparks drift. they won`t hurt. trust.

remember me with the winds. their strength pounding at your door. let me in. don`t give up on me.

my soul bleeds for you. it seeps though my flesh to yours as you try to hold back its weeping. but your hands are not enough to stop the burn, to clot the taste of pain. your body not enough to engage my soul with pleasure. the old you, the one who manipulated me and cheated me and controlled my utmost devotion, is no longer. my ardor belongs to Him and Him alone. and you and i are made new. my reverent inner marrow softens as He refines me, shifts my knowledge, my focus, my body, my heart. i am cutting-edge, animated, bubbling, dynamic, fashionable, experienced, modern, novel, original, state-of-the-art, tropical, unique, seasoned, untouched, vibrant, zesty to Him. you have new eyes. you are no longer blind. what do you see in me? i am captivated by His romance. it is pale, which beauty lightly curls. do you see me? i want it to be you.

my love has yet to taper. examine me. i want to be known. discover me. investigate the authentic me. the absolute. the honest. the physical. the sincere. the sound. the concrete.

i see the you that you don`t even see. it replenishes my laughter and restores my hope. i have faith in you because of Him. be my secret and ill be yours. although we are apart, you will always be a part of me. don`t go missing too long. i miss you.

Music.

music changes mood. music makes me want to just feel everything the artist experiences. i don`t know if this is always a good thing, but it just shows how influential music is. songs bring back feelings. tastes. desires.

This Side is the car rides in the bed of that truck. wind-blown hair on sunny-side-up. kisses in the grass, the night consuming our bodies.

Screaming Infidelities is the sinking feeling in my stomach. dark lines, jack daniels and the smell of smoke thick on your sweatshirt, covering my body.

Airplanes is eyebrows squeezed, hands up dancing in the car. your goofy charm knocking at my lips to let you in. my resistant smiling eyes at you.

Everything About You is your long, sandy hair in the way of my nose against yours. your eyes scraping my body as if i were not human. waking to regret, for it is not of love.

You Found Me is pb&js at the park, hand holding and baking cookies. you are perfect, but you just don`t know.

Crash into Me is early morning drives, sunrise on the waterfalls and our hot chocolate signature whipped cream. it`s church on sunday, learning songs and performing in the park.

Music changes everything. music motivates. it cultivates hunger for something more. maybe something different, or something of old habits. either way, music moves us to something more. something greater than ourselves. it changes us. shapes us. hears us and explains what we cannot. our souls thirst for something like music. something that will satisfy, provide and accept. or maybe that is someone. maybe He is already here satisfying, providing and accepting us.

loving lust.

honestly, i love sin. it scares me. i love lust. why is it that as much as i know something will hurt me, i choose do it anyways? its not even mistake, i intentionally go out of my way to bring back that part of my life that has been forgiven; that wrecked my name and threw away my self-respect. life is just a circle of continued running, falling, sucking, getting back up and doing it all over again. i know he`s not good for me, yet i want him anyways. his manipulative smile, the romance, the heat. it sucks. god tells me “wait” and i tell Him “no.” if its not him, its something else. its the perfect guy in the back of my mind who will always just be my friend but treats me like gold. i could never have him. i would never tell him, that would be embarrassing. its the random, neck-bearded hippie who looks over me as if i`m a slab of meat- but the feeling of being wanted is too strong to stop. its the one who knows my past, knows my weaknesses, knows my passions and my fears. those bedroom eyes. the sexual tension. but it would never work. its my barista- the free coffee, cute smile, coy flirtation, completely innocent. its the alcohol. its the feeling of forgetting everything and loosing it for a night. indulging in anything that will numb my mind and stop the feeling in my fingers. the taste. the filling up. the blacking out. its shopping. its being careless. independent. beautiful. flawless. spending everything you have to feel good. like you`re important. its dancing. dancing like you just don`t care whose looking. maybe its appropriate, maybe not. i don`t always feel like being appropriate, acting like a lady. what if i don`t wanna be modest? what if i wanna go crazy sometimes? its the music. the beating, throbbing of my heart. the excitement. the in evitable longing for more. its letting go. feeling like you`re in control of everything, when its those things that end up controlling you.

reality check- i am not in control and i`m “freely” stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. satan`s ultimate goal is to make me miserable again. satan, back off! good thing god is bigger. i guess because of it, i know my faith is real.

five more days and freedom.

it feels like summer has gone by so fast and it is crazy insane how much god has done. i cant even imagine the pain i was going through three months ago anymore because of the freedom that god has provided me. i am so grateful for this opportunity and i have learned that even in my weakness, god has used me in awesome ways to impact the world.

well start with anna. an absolutely stunning girl with an abundantly overflowing heart for the lord. i cannot imagine project without her. i remember the first week at the three jacks. she was probably the prettiest girl there: dark olive skin, perfect hair and makeup all the time, cute little body, adorable style...but totally and completely down to earth, as well. seriously, i have yet to meet another person who is so beautiful on the outside, yet has a huge heart for the lord and desire to know his plans for her life. for four weeks i watched in amazement at how beautiful anna was, along with all of the other women i was living with, yet i didn`t know how to let my heart be known to them. i was growing in the lord because i was allowing myself to spend time with him again, but i still wasn`t surrendering everything to him. surrender is was, and still is, potentially the most dangerous thing i could think of doing. i couldn`t risk getting hurt again...so i fell back into isolation.

i wanted to be known. i wanted to develop deep friendships with these women. i desired to allow myself to be loved for who i was. but i was absolutely terrified. allowing someone to love me meant giving up my pride and humbling myself in front of someone else. it meant dusting out the corners of my soul and bringing a light into my darkest places. most of all, it meant taking the risk of potentially getting hurt by someone i may come to love. and my whole life has been thriving in the fear of being rejected by someone i love.

the day we were assigned accountability partners i was terrified. i was excited to be paired up with anna, but i was scared of letting her know my heart. but god is so good. all he asks of us is to take a step in obedience and he will be faithful to our hearts. stepping out in faith (which i guess im beginning to realize isn`t something i usually do) with honesty and authenticity from day one, was something the lord was calling me to do and it was extremely difficult.

the morning pastor dave talked about romans 8 was the morning i just lost it. he said not to let satan take hold of anything within you. even the slightest things needed to be rejected in order to experience what god had waiting for me. i was embarrassed for disobeying the lord even in an environment where i am being encouraged all the time. i was embarrassed for my past- the disturbing things i had thought. felt. lived. embarrassed for being in a place where people loved me and wanted to reach out to me, but my pride was just too important for me to give it up. i remember spilling. it was like everything i had ever thought or felt or done just purged out of my body...along with tears. jesus brought the rain. i told her everything. i couldnt do it anymore. and it felt good.

talk about release.

as i talked, god gently picked up the vines that were wrapped around my body, black, thick like tar, and snapped that which i could not break, one by one. instant by instant he clipped that which held me down and healed the cuts left from their deep-seated wounds in my bone. down the marrow, it healed. disinfected and closed up as if it were never there. no scars, just beauty.

anna poured truth into my life and i drank as if i had been in the desert a thousand years. i need others. i was created for relationships. how naive of me to think that i could live this life on my own strength.

god gives us freedom freely...but in order to experience that mind-blowing plan that he has for us, we must give up our lives in surrender, otherwise, we forfeit the grace he given us and the freedom he has called us to live in.