Where I`m From

I am from cool summer nights, twinkling fireflies, glitter illuminates the sky.

I am from bare feet running in fields,

damp green squish between my toes.

I am from spotlights, big stages and microphones

Eyes closed, lungs expanded, let go.

I am from the city streets,

busy people, traffic lights, stuck in their bluetooth.

I am from a coffee addiction, where Starbucks is on every corner,

not a sugar person.

I am from the only sane one, oldest of four

always playing mommy.

I am from an addictive personality

searching and found, fearful of peace.

I am from Italian wine, black, boots and colored scarves,

born to be a European.

I am from beautiful Russian language, but I could never be Russian

I smile in pictures.

I am from the crisp strums of my guitar

gold and incandescent resonate the cherry wood and pearl.

Eager to live the passion that tempers my ardent soul.

-Hillary Nicole

loosing my virginity

there is just something about buying a cup of coffee that makes the world turn that much smoother. at christmastime starbucks decks their cups with red and white snowflakes and carolers, delicately topping the softly whipped cream with dotted green and red. and the decorative cups brew an even better coffee, producing a special kind of magic that i wait for every year to envelop my mouth and consume my taste buds. white peppermint mochas, gingerbread lattes, eggnog, toffee nut, caramel brulee!

i order my signature holiday drink: a grande nonfat peppermint latte, with no foam. my mouth begins to salivate as i hand the cashier my credit card. before she can swipe, john steps in. punching his code and waving my fee, upgrading me to a venti with a smile and a “how are you?” i`ve known john for years. from the days when he worked at game stop at the strip; i was fifteen and sporting volcom and heavy eyeliner. back when the shade of black was my favorite color and my vans were laced with pink on the left sneaker and blue duckies on the right. our relationship has moved on since then, going from awkward, Ville Valo obsessed, teenage girls stopping by the game store to talk to creepy older men for no apparent reason to early twenties, free coffee and enjoying each others company when there is nothing to do in nova but just sit and caffeinate your heart.

i remember the first day i ever went to starbucks. i was thirteen and it was snowing outside. i had decided to join the youth choir at church and it was my first day leading the worship service. december. the church was decorated with garland, holly and wreathes hanging from the balcony of the white sanctuary. christmas trees and lights and red poinsettias. there were only eight of us that day...pastor pete had the first service and then cancelled church for the rest of the morning because of the blizzard going on outside. the eight o`clock service consisted of the older couples in the church and parents of the youth choir. after church three of the high school guys in the choir approached me, asking me to come to starbucks with them. when i asked them what starbucks was a look of shock fell upon their faces, and shortly after, determination as they insisted i come along for the adventure.

try fitting three tall fellows and two eighth grade girls in a tiny car in the middle of a blizzard, in northern virginia during christmas [which is like traffic lights on steroids]. i was voted the smallest and requested to lay over top of three people in the back seat because there was no room for an actual seat. [this was back when the old starbucks by pamered party was the only existing coffeeshop, mind you]. and we trecked through the ice and snow the whole two blocks to capture our coffee.

and that was the day i lost my virginity to a delicious carmel macchiato. i fell in love with this beautiful, dolche drink. the light caramel and espresso mixed together smoothly, captured my most delicate passions and desires. everything that i wanted when it came to a cup of coffee. love in a cup.

wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.

vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

blurred words.

"I don't know how I got to where I am
All I know is that I want to go back
to the moment when I fell in love with grace
and I hear You whisper

Hang on, I know your hope seems gone
Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you strong
Remember the first time love turned you around

I try my best to pray but my heart won't move
And all the words the saints say, they just don't help
I want to go back to when I first called out Your name
and I hear You whisper

To the moment when I fell in love with grace
To the day when I first called our Jesus' name"

“listen,” he said to me gently, looking into my eyes and firmly grasping my shoulders as he spoke lovingly to my soul. “everything is going to be okay. i am in control. i will protect you. i won`t let anything happen to you.” i searched his eyes, finding no doubt behind them, only soft honesty. i trusted him. he wasn`t like the other guys who had screwed me and then screwed me over. he had no malice or manipulative intentions behind his words. sure, he wasn`t perfect, but i don`t want a perfect guy. i don`t think i want a guy who seeks to be so holy in his relationships. i desire loyalty. but when we worry so much about doing the “right thing” or “god`s will” we end up missing out on what the relationship has to offer and sometimes miss out on what god`s will really is. we get so distracted at how to go about obeying that we miss the point. love. the bible clearly states the pre-marital sex is wrong, but what does god see when he looks at me? he looks on me with love. he is jealous for the things that hold me captive, but sometimes even the act of trying to live for “god`s will” takes hold of me. sometimes my thoughts are consumed with controversy.

i honestly don`t know where i am right now in my walk with god. i love him. i love him a lot. but i don`t know what i want my life to look like. i feel caught between my past and present desires. i feel trapped in a decision that i can`t really wrap my mind around. but i don`t know if i want to get out of it. my mind is so overwhelmed with choices and desires and other people`s desires for me. i want to be looked as a loving, trusting person. that is what i want. i want to just love without restrictions. to freely love. freely express. freely give. how do i do that and love the lord and be tender-hearted and mess up at the same time? i can`t clearly think what i want to say...let alone write it. i just feel blurs all around me.

search my heart. you are the only one who dared to give it all away for me.

running

the wind smacked my body as i ran. hair stringily, whipping around the frame of my face as dark pulled at my scalp. wrestling with them, i elbowed, kicked, smashed any of them that came near me with as much strength as i could muster. i sprinted. without hesitation i ran as fast as i could, leaping over stumps, roots, and rocks with speed. one foot chasing the other, building momentum as i went. the liveliness of vivid green lush rapidly swam around my body. my eyes could no longer focus on any one thing for my feet carried them too eagerly, rushing them to capture the images of my surroundings with urgency. it was beginning to become dark. the golden sunlight beamed through the peepholes of leaves and glistened copper on the ground and trunks around me. copper was a bad color. it meant that dusk was approaching and night would shortly settle in, allowing the dark to masque itself with the camouflage of the sky.

bad sentence contest

Abigail tossed and turned under her pretty, pink princess covers as she enveloped herself into a cocoon, trembling at the savage heffalump and woozley creatures lingering outside her bedroom window, howling ferociously with the blustery wind which didn`t cease to shake the house as it violently loosened the screws of the antiquely chipped shutters, the moonlight casting gnarly shadows into her room, as she waited for the bloodcurdling moment of fate.

I always loved the Blustery Day episode of Winnie the Pooh when he met the Heffalumps and Woozles :) Maybe I will continue this bad story in the future...