tranquility

as nature surrenders to its creator, i actively surrender to god. crickets in dewed grass, cranes spin and leap and the soft blackbird flees around me. grace. winged creatures glide to slowly rest on lightly bobbing piers. boats spur the water sending ripples, an interrupted calm. slightly salted air. breathe in deep: lungs expanded, shoulders relaxed, rib cage open. “i will fight for you. you need only to be still,” He tells me.

yellow glistens off the melted water below my swinging feet. the choppy movement almost calms me. sounds of lapping on the shoreline and bird songs resonate the soft zephyr of the wind in the bay. the bird still sits perched, turning his head this way and that, as if to watch me, a friend to keep me company in silence. but there really is no such thing as silence. for music is heard in every noise or lack there of.

layers of purple, orange, pink, yellow, ivory and blue silently sink into the bay, one on top of the other. my friend has gone. like the wind, people pass in and out of this broken-hearted city. the sky turns a deeper pink and roses as it blends. the sun`s last farewell to the day, which will soon become utter beauty as night falls. sitting here i feel like the only one at peace. i try to block out the ruff of car engines and airplanes and listen intently to the composition of the bay that He is conducting in my willing hands. beauty. i want to indulge my whole self in the captivating serenity of His creation.

sculptures in the sand

if youve ever been to ocean city, you probably have seen or heard of the sand sculpture man. there is a guy who builds intricate sculptures of jesus and his life, and in the evening he goes out and preaches in front of them to the people of ocean city. this may sound a little crazy and i am the first person to say that i have never believed in this kind of evangelism. but as i listened to him speak, i watched a young guy`s heart change right there a few feet away from me. he was arguing and yelling at the man as if he was so angry with god for all of the pain that was in his life. i watched him struggle with the holy spirit, who was calling him to let go. i just wanted to hug the kid. you could see the pain and brokenness in his eyes as he fought with god. i wanted to let him know that god loves him so much! he tugged at my heart. god broke down his walls right there in front of my eyes. i prayed for him as i walked away back to my group, not wanting to leave them waiting for too long. this guy`s name was kevin. kevin gave his life to christ that night on the boardwalk.

i just began reading jeremiah this week. god is already working through this scripture to change my heart. i read the second half of chapter 2 this morning when god is telling his people that they are disobeying him and scolding them because they fill their lives with things that will destroy their hearts, and deny god. instead of allowing themselves to be glorified through god`s heart for them, they have disreguared him and his commands.

sometimes we get lazy. this morning i made a determined decision to get up earlier and spend some time with jesus. i havent been spending time in the morning, although there is nothing wrong with the afternoon, being on project it has been difficult to find time to spend with him in the afternoon, when i am all burnt out from the morning`s activities. i am reading jeremiah, and the devotional i read today talked about how to find time by praying while you prepare yourself physically and spiritually for the day:

tomorrow as you shower, praise god for the cleansing that jesus` forgiveness provides. as you`re getting dressed, thank god for clothing you with righteousness. when you put on your moisturizer, ask god to soften your heart to his leading throughout the day. as you apply your makeup, thank him for being the foundation of your life. when you put in your contacts, ask god to give you eyes to see his workings in the world. and as you put on your earrings, thank him for beautifying your life with the fruits of the spirit.

i want to be authentic.

never in my life did i think i would be where i am now. never did i consider falling into the things i have let take control of my mind and body. never did i imagine a life without laughter and joy. never did i visualize myself walking without letting my lord drive me.

writing is about being honest with yourself. i am not always honest with myself, but writing has helped me to let go and be real. i think we all have issues with being real these days. i want to be authentic. i think that every person, whether they realize it or not, truly desires to find their own authentic beauty. every person wants to be fully known by someone else. we just don`t know how. so i am going to start with being honest with myself.

i was so strong. a year ago i was determined to do the will of my lord. i was willing to let my jesus talk to me and guide me through every decision i made. i was in the word every day. he taught me something new with every fragment of scripture i read. i prayed. every day for hours i sat in the corner of the nest, without doubt, i would be there. i let my life revolve around my time with god. i did not allow myself to do my homework until i had spent time with him. i fully believed that if i gave my time to god, he would give it back to me. and he did. every day i worshiped him in ways other than song. i discovered my love for writing and worshiped him with that. my corner where i sat through the pounding rain when the sky made love with the ground, the flowers blooming colors and lines of bumblebees in springtime green, snowflake evenings of michael buble and hot chocolate burning tongues. i was there, and willing to hear the voice of my lord.

it was there that i actively sought god with every breath.

as time went by, i slowly allowed sin to creep into my life. inch by inch darkness slithered into corners where i had not dusted in a while. without realizing, i let it sit there. it twisted me. it sat and twisted. sat and twisted. thorny vines sprouted and multiplied as they slithey pushed and turned and squeezed portions of my heart. suffocated pieces of me that made me who i am. suffocated the real me. authentic me. i could not discover my authentic heart because i had let sin capture my thoughts, my emotions, my body. once it took control, it thrived. it clutched every part of me that`s real and contorted it. it chained me down. i tried to run but i couldn`t escape, the chains only let me go so far before they tugged at my arms and sent me flying in reverse onto my back to start the pain all over again in the same ritual. running and falling. running and falling. part of me wanted to stay that way. i was so comfortable with my lifestyle that i gave up fighting. i had let my guard down. i allowed myself to be fully known by another person. i broke the covenant that had been set by god. i allowed myself to be changed by something other than Him. all i could pray was “help.”

the crazy thing about jesus, is that he looks at us in our most broken, rugged state: hair tangled in knots, face dirty, knees stained, clothes ripped and hearts broken, and he has compassion on us. he can pick us up wherever we are and give us hope.

i am leaving for summer project in ocean city tomorrow morning. for the first time in a long time i feel as though i am not chained down to my sin. god has always walked with me throughout this time, it was my stubbornness that kept me from changing. there are so many things that i regret, but at the same time, i would not have learned had i not experienced those things. i am coming back to my contentment in myself and in my salvation with a new perspective. with new eyes. this time has been rough and this project is going to push me, but i expect god to change my heart. it is through brokenness that we are strengthened. every note i sing, “break my heart for what breaks Yours,” is a prayer to be changed and molded and broken for the heart of jesus.

i was reading in my bible this morning when i fell asleep. when i woke up i guess the fan had turned the pages because it was set on a new passage. i had highlighted a verse that i hadn`t studied in a while:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

this summer i want to be flexible, not just to the needs of other people, but to god. i have not given him the control that he asks for over my life, and i have seen where that can go. there are so many things god is speaking to me about right now but not enough time to write them all down. i cannot wait to serve this summer and to rediscover the freedom jesus has given to me. it is about dying every single day to our sin and praying that god will take control. praying for indifference to anything that is not his will for my life. and running the moment we notice deception, lies, seductiveness and fear, that satan throws in front of us every day.

jesus, i am so weak right now. but i know that i can have hope for the future that you have planned for me. teach me what it means to guard my heart. break my heart for what breaks yours this summer. prepare my hands and heart for the people i will meet and the conversations i will have while i am there. i want to be real. i want to be authenticly renewed into the woman you created me to be. help me to see people through your eyes, with compassion and wisdom. strengthen me to have joy and contentment in You.

hillary nicole

morning chippers

"but blessed is the man who trusts in the lord, whose confidence is in him. he will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. it does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. it has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it? i the lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
jeremiah 17:7-10

i love being outside. there`s something about nature after it rains that brings peace to my soul. sitting on the porch, protected by the screen, yet still taking part in what`s going on out there. listen to the birds. they are beautiful! singing out as loud as they can to the lord! listen to the birds, how they glorify him with every breath. in a way, it is like that with all nature. every living thing, except man, lives, breathes and dies for what it was created to be. wouldn`t it be freeing if we just lived solely for what we were created to be? without worry or doubt because we knew what we were doing was what we were created for? god created us to glorify him! he gives us our talents and passions and little quirky habits so that we can use them! we are supposed to be excited about our gifts and use them every day! just like the gift of salvation- he gave it to us so that we could take it. he wants us to be with him. he is jealous for us. jealous of the things that capture us and lead our lives.

i wish that i could be like the birds. they trust their creator, knowing that every day without doubt, that they were created to sing and chirp and peep and squawk and chip and pipe and tweedle and tweet and warble to glorify the lord. why can`t i be that confident?

thunder

it begins with one drop. spatter on my forehead, trickle down my freckled, sun-kissed cheeks to the tip of my chin. drip. to the ground. smash to the concrete. and then another. and then another. within seconds heaven opens up and the sky pours nourishment onto the green earth like an child`s overturned swimming pool. purples tulips. maples crimson. acorns tumble. thunder rolls. a bowling ball as it pounds the angel`s alleys and crash to lightening. sudden golden fire sparks as far as i can see. jagged ends and crisp turns traveling down and down the tapestry of the skies deep, clouded, blue, black canvass. burning sensations. i feel the livid passion of the Creator with every bowl. every time he strikes out. every time without doubt he comes through. why do i doubt Him? His love is so thick with the rain. bring the rain. soil loosens, my heart softens. rain becomes peaceful. comfort, to hear the pitter patter on the roofs of houses and window`s glass. the drenched earth breathes.

Stars

We walked from the car to the field carrying our blankets and warm cups of love. The grass was slightly damp and cold, slippering my toes on flip flops as I walked. We found the perfect patch of grass in the middle where we spread the blanket. He took out his guitar and began strumming. The crisp sound of new strings resonate, colorfully inviting. I lay there staring at the stars God planted in the pitch purple sky. Gleaming spirits glistening gold. They each are different, yet the same. Little beats of radiance, dartle back and forth like puppets on a string. Beaming bubbles shimmer in the most beautiful dance of all. The music continued. Picking lightly in the back of my mind as he sang. I remembered all the times I have gazed up at the dazzling animated sparkles and the sensation of being such a small, yet important piece of this world.

pain.

A searing stab penetrates the stomach, turning itself one way and then another, as if to carve out the only hopeful piece of me: my broken heart. Suffering torture of the mind through body. Physical illness overwhelms my flesh in throbbing nausea. Unexpected purging. Sensations travel up my throat to tongue, teeth, lips. Nervousness: never ending whirlpools rage through the body. Memories sting my mind, leading to the repetitive agony of heartache from my tingling toes to the tip of my head. Swelling, puffy, pink eyes bring pretty teardrops to the flawless, porcelain, rose kissed cheeks. Slow motion,the desolate room spins. The oak floor drenched in wet, salty pain. Naked, I stand. Light beams through the open sun-soaked window, casting soft shades onto my bare body. Beauty at its best. Absolute vulnerability. I want to run. I want to run into the arms of my prince and never let go. Forever we would be together. No drama. No manipulation. No lies. I want to wallow in his strength and dance in the joy of what love means. I want to be drenched in His silky, white purity. I am a broken woman. But brokenness makes us stronger. Transforms us into something more beautiful: what we were created to be.