vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

blurred words.

"I don't know how I got to where I am
All I know is that I want to go back
to the moment when I fell in love with grace
and I hear You whisper

Hang on, I know your hope seems gone
Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you strong
Remember the first time love turned you around

I try my best to pray but my heart won't move
And all the words the saints say, they just don't help
I want to go back to when I first called out Your name
and I hear You whisper

To the moment when I fell in love with grace
To the day when I first called our Jesus' name"

“listen,” he said to me gently, looking into my eyes and firmly grasping my shoulders as he spoke lovingly to my soul. “everything is going to be okay. i am in control. i will protect you. i won`t let anything happen to you.” i searched his eyes, finding no doubt behind them, only soft honesty. i trusted him. he wasn`t like the other guys who had screwed me and then screwed me over. he had no malice or manipulative intentions behind his words. sure, he wasn`t perfect, but i don`t want a perfect guy. i don`t think i want a guy who seeks to be so holy in his relationships. i desire loyalty. but when we worry so much about doing the “right thing” or “god`s will” we end up missing out on what the relationship has to offer and sometimes miss out on what god`s will really is. we get so distracted at how to go about obeying that we miss the point. love. the bible clearly states the pre-marital sex is wrong, but what does god see when he looks at me? he looks on me with love. he is jealous for the things that hold me captive, but sometimes even the act of trying to live for “god`s will” takes hold of me. sometimes my thoughts are consumed with controversy.

i honestly don`t know where i am right now in my walk with god. i love him. i love him a lot. but i don`t know what i want my life to look like. i feel caught between my past and present desires. i feel trapped in a decision that i can`t really wrap my mind around. but i don`t know if i want to get out of it. my mind is so overwhelmed with choices and desires and other people`s desires for me. i want to be looked as a loving, trusting person. that is what i want. i want to just love without restrictions. to freely love. freely express. freely give. how do i do that and love the lord and be tender-hearted and mess up at the same time? i can`t clearly think what i want to say...let alone write it. i just feel blurs all around me.

search my heart. you are the only one who dared to give it all away for me.