loosing my virginity

there is just something about buying a cup of coffee that makes the world turn that much smoother. at christmastime starbucks decks their cups with red and white snowflakes and carolers, delicately topping the softly whipped cream with dotted green and red. and the decorative cups brew an even better coffee, producing a special kind of magic that i wait for every year to envelop my mouth and consume my taste buds. white peppermint mochas, gingerbread lattes, eggnog, toffee nut, caramel brulee!

i order my signature holiday drink: a grande nonfat peppermint latte, with no foam. my mouth begins to salivate as i hand the cashier my credit card. before she can swipe, john steps in. punching his code and waving my fee, upgrading me to a venti with a smile and a “how are you?” i`ve known john for years. from the days when he worked at game stop at the strip; i was fifteen and sporting volcom and heavy eyeliner. back when the shade of black was my favorite color and my vans were laced with pink on the left sneaker and blue duckies on the right. our relationship has moved on since then, going from awkward, Ville Valo obsessed, teenage girls stopping by the game store to talk to creepy older men for no apparent reason to early twenties, free coffee and enjoying each others company when there is nothing to do in nova but just sit and caffeinate your heart.

i remember the first day i ever went to starbucks. i was thirteen and it was snowing outside. i had decided to join the youth choir at church and it was my first day leading the worship service. december. the church was decorated with garland, holly and wreathes hanging from the balcony of the white sanctuary. christmas trees and lights and red poinsettias. there were only eight of us that day...pastor pete had the first service and then cancelled church for the rest of the morning because of the blizzard going on outside. the eight o`clock service consisted of the older couples in the church and parents of the youth choir. after church three of the high school guys in the choir approached me, asking me to come to starbucks with them. when i asked them what starbucks was a look of shock fell upon their faces, and shortly after, determination as they insisted i come along for the adventure.

try fitting three tall fellows and two eighth grade girls in a tiny car in the middle of a blizzard, in northern virginia during christmas [which is like traffic lights on steroids]. i was voted the smallest and requested to lay over top of three people in the back seat because there was no room for an actual seat. [this was back when the old starbucks by pamered party was the only existing coffeeshop, mind you]. and we trecked through the ice and snow the whole two blocks to capture our coffee.

and that was the day i lost my virginity to a delicious carmel macchiato. i fell in love with this beautiful, dolche drink. the light caramel and espresso mixed together smoothly, captured my most delicate passions and desires. everything that i wanted when it came to a cup of coffee. love in a cup.

wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.

vanishing.

leave me here with my thoughts. i crave the isolation. trapped in dark boxes, hiding dark secrets. the shapeless shadows acclimate to their new conditions. they are intelligent, aware of every specific detail, the embellishments of my dark room. mindful of the things that makes me tick. sensitive to the conditions that must be upheld in order to thrive there. the dark impress me with their sly agility. with their barbed limbs, lanky and cold, they steal my authenticity. they push me to the edge and gorge on slices of my heart, devouring my sanity and my faith. and i let them. fearless, but indifferent, i allow myself to be depleted. an empty silhouette etched in the shadows of black and yellow lines, red and green luster and fading profiles. the contours of what once was faithful and full, vanishing among the vague blur of crowded searching souls. the sensation of being absorbed in organized chaos, that is my unconscious pleasure.

blurred words.

"I don't know how I got to where I am
All I know is that I want to go back
to the moment when I fell in love with grace
and I hear You whisper

Hang on, I know your hope seems gone
Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you strong
Remember the first time love turned you around

I try my best to pray but my heart won't move
And all the words the saints say, they just don't help
I want to go back to when I first called out Your name
and I hear You whisper

To the moment when I fell in love with grace
To the day when I first called our Jesus' name"

“listen,” he said to me gently, looking into my eyes and firmly grasping my shoulders as he spoke lovingly to my soul. “everything is going to be okay. i am in control. i will protect you. i won`t let anything happen to you.” i searched his eyes, finding no doubt behind them, only soft honesty. i trusted him. he wasn`t like the other guys who had screwed me and then screwed me over. he had no malice or manipulative intentions behind his words. sure, he wasn`t perfect, but i don`t want a perfect guy. i don`t think i want a guy who seeks to be so holy in his relationships. i desire loyalty. but when we worry so much about doing the “right thing” or “god`s will” we end up missing out on what the relationship has to offer and sometimes miss out on what god`s will really is. we get so distracted at how to go about obeying that we miss the point. love. the bible clearly states the pre-marital sex is wrong, but what does god see when he looks at me? he looks on me with love. he is jealous for the things that hold me captive, but sometimes even the act of trying to live for “god`s will” takes hold of me. sometimes my thoughts are consumed with controversy.

i honestly don`t know where i am right now in my walk with god. i love him. i love him a lot. but i don`t know what i want my life to look like. i feel caught between my past and present desires. i feel trapped in a decision that i can`t really wrap my mind around. but i don`t know if i want to get out of it. my mind is so overwhelmed with choices and desires and other people`s desires for me. i want to be looked as a loving, trusting person. that is what i want. i want to just love without restrictions. to freely love. freely express. freely give. how do i do that and love the lord and be tender-hearted and mess up at the same time? i can`t clearly think what i want to say...let alone write it. i just feel blurs all around me.

search my heart. you are the only one who dared to give it all away for me.

running

the wind smacked my body as i ran. hair stringily, whipping around the frame of my face as dark pulled at my scalp. wrestling with them, i elbowed, kicked, smashed any of them that came near me with as much strength as i could muster. i sprinted. without hesitation i ran as fast as i could, leaping over stumps, roots, and rocks with speed. one foot chasing the other, building momentum as i went. the liveliness of vivid green lush rapidly swam around my body. my eyes could no longer focus on any one thing for my feet carried them too eagerly, rushing them to capture the images of my surroundings with urgency. it was beginning to become dark. the golden sunlight beamed through the peepholes of leaves and glistened copper on the ground and trunks around me. copper was a bad color. it meant that dusk was approaching and night would shortly settle in, allowing the dark to masque itself with the camouflage of the sky.

bad sentence contest

Abigail tossed and turned under her pretty, pink princess covers as she enveloped herself into a cocoon, trembling at the savage heffalump and woozley creatures lingering outside her bedroom window, howling ferociously with the blustery wind which didn`t cease to shake the house as it violently loosened the screws of the antiquely chipped shutters, the moonlight casting gnarly shadows into her room, as she waited for the bloodcurdling moment of fate.

I always loved the Blustery Day episode of Winnie the Pooh when he met the Heffalumps and Woozles :) Maybe I will continue this bad story in the future...

family and my uterus

i never write this late in the evening.

i have been thinking about my family a lot lately. my dad`s birthday was on saturday, september 11th and i didn`t really get a chance to talk to him. for that i feel ashamed. i remember back to when i couldn`t even hug my dad, let alone kiss his cheek for the sake of being vulnerable with him. i don`t know what it is about him, but there is just something that makes me hold back. i wish my parents knew how i feel. for years i have tried to tell them, but they always seem to direct the conversation to my faults instead of my feelings. defensive and in denial, my mother cannot take the blame. even when im not asking for blame, i am looked at like i was when i was a child. they don`t seen to understand that i have changed since then. it really upsets me.




(mom, jack and our dog bailey :)


i want more than anything to have a family. i was a husband who is loyal and honest
with me. i want to be with someone who will encourage me in my walk with the lord and not scold me for my mishaps, but who will walk with me through them. i want my children to know that their parents love jesus. i want my kids to know who jesus is- that you can actually have a relationship with him! and that he wants you to LIVE. i want more than anything to be united with my family. for them to truly know my heart and to just love me for that.

i just want to cry. it could be because i may be PMSing...felt the first cramp of fire tonight. im craving
chocolate and queso constantly. nothing is too much right now. headaches. backaches. finger aches! my eye is dying for crying out loud! my body is clearly pre-gaming for the big KA-BOOM that will ignite in my uterus within the next week.


ANDDD i keep craving the airport! i actually WANT to be at the atlanta airport right now. sitting and waiting. sitting and waiting. walking to other ports in order to sit and wait. looking for new stores i have yet to find in order to fill my 5 hour layovers + more than likely 2 hours of delays, while i fill myself with ben and jerry`s $6 airport smoothies, read cosmo and hide from creepers.


wow.

will it ever go away?

i am in love with my sin

i crave your body next to mine

i ache for the beat that flips you, turns your stomach inside out

and brings ecstasy to the tip.

my body proclaims insecurities

actions reflecting past destruction.

i am alone amidst the crowd

an insignificant slash of color blurred

i`m a hazard to you

in jeopardy of identity theft

my heart screams “save”

it longs for redemption, for agreement, for satisfaction

but i look elsewhere.

my soul is in danger of heartache,

vulnerable to the glitches in my genetic makeup

i spoil for another bruise,

another permanent scar i voluntarily bring to my body

internal stain, every slipup engraved, chiseled into my skin

alone. my faults are bare, written boldly on my face

seeping through my flesh to the core.

will they ever go away?

finding you.

words cannot illustrate how i feel in this moment. i crave the words that depict your essence, the aura of your soul. the tip of my tongue presses lightly upon your words, desiring more but not knowing how to find them. i remember the caress of your hands upon my curves, the familiar taste of your body, the zest of your lips and the sting of spoken words. i savor every breath we take in sync, as i indulge in you and you in me. lets play hide and seek, but promise not to disappear. ill let you find me. i bite my lip with brilliant eagerness to grasp the concept of your mind. body. spirit. your misty face, a blazing fervor for more. your bedroom eyes, the constant intensive warmth of your gaze. i sink my fingernails into your back. violence. rapturous delight. smoke. how could i have known? discover me. we are dynamic. you are insane, i am safe on the outside. let go. fears control you. let go of control. my lips are dry for you, let me drink. my arms and legs grow weak for you, hold me. my thoughts swim in you. delight in me. i want to satisfy.

remember me

remember me when it rains. when it hits your window`s glass with vigor and stains you. let me come.

remember me with the fire`s smoke. it envelops your face, your eyes, your fingers. don`t fight me. let the sparks drift. they won`t hurt. trust.

remember me with the winds. their strength pounding at your door. let me in. don`t give up on me.

my soul bleeds for you. it seeps though my flesh to yours as you try to hold back its weeping. but your hands are not enough to stop the burn, to clot the taste of pain. your body not enough to engage my soul with pleasure. the old you, the one who manipulated me and cheated me and controlled my utmost devotion, is no longer. my ardor belongs to Him and Him alone. and you and i are made new. my reverent inner marrow softens as He refines me, shifts my knowledge, my focus, my body, my heart. i am cutting-edge, animated, bubbling, dynamic, fashionable, experienced, modern, novel, original, state-of-the-art, tropical, unique, seasoned, untouched, vibrant, zesty to Him. you have new eyes. you are no longer blind. what do you see in me? i am captivated by His romance. it is pale, which beauty lightly curls. do you see me? i want it to be you.

my love has yet to taper. examine me. i want to be known. discover me. investigate the authentic me. the absolute. the honest. the physical. the sincere. the sound. the concrete.

i see the you that you don`t even see. it replenishes my laughter and restores my hope. i have faith in you because of Him. be my secret and ill be yours. although we are apart, you will always be a part of me. don`t go missing too long. i miss you.

Music.

music changes mood. music makes me want to just feel everything the artist experiences. i don`t know if this is always a good thing, but it just shows how influential music is. songs bring back feelings. tastes. desires.

This Side is the car rides in the bed of that truck. wind-blown hair on sunny-side-up. kisses in the grass, the night consuming our bodies.

Screaming Infidelities is the sinking feeling in my stomach. dark lines, jack daniels and the smell of smoke thick on your sweatshirt, covering my body.

Airplanes is eyebrows squeezed, hands up dancing in the car. your goofy charm knocking at my lips to let you in. my resistant smiling eyes at you.

Everything About You is your long, sandy hair in the way of my nose against yours. your eyes scraping my body as if i were not human. waking to regret, for it is not of love.

You Found Me is pb&js at the park, hand holding and baking cookies. you are perfect, but you just don`t know.

Crash into Me is early morning drives, sunrise on the waterfalls and our hot chocolate signature whipped cream. it`s church on sunday, learning songs and performing in the park.

Music changes everything. music motivates. it cultivates hunger for something more. maybe something different, or something of old habits. either way, music moves us to something more. something greater than ourselves. it changes us. shapes us. hears us and explains what we cannot. our souls thirst for something like music. something that will satisfy, provide and accept. or maybe that is someone. maybe He is already here satisfying, providing and accepting us.

loving lust.

honestly, i love sin. it scares me. i love lust. why is it that as much as i know something will hurt me, i choose do it anyways? its not even mistake, i intentionally go out of my way to bring back that part of my life that has been forgiven; that wrecked my name and threw away my self-respect. life is just a circle of continued running, falling, sucking, getting back up and doing it all over again. i know he`s not good for me, yet i want him anyways. his manipulative smile, the romance, the heat. it sucks. god tells me “wait” and i tell Him “no.” if its not him, its something else. its the perfect guy in the back of my mind who will always just be my friend but treats me like gold. i could never have him. i would never tell him, that would be embarrassing. its the random, neck-bearded hippie who looks over me as if i`m a slab of meat- but the feeling of being wanted is too strong to stop. its the one who knows my past, knows my weaknesses, knows my passions and my fears. those bedroom eyes. the sexual tension. but it would never work. its my barista- the free coffee, cute smile, coy flirtation, completely innocent. its the alcohol. its the feeling of forgetting everything and loosing it for a night. indulging in anything that will numb my mind and stop the feeling in my fingers. the taste. the filling up. the blacking out. its shopping. its being careless. independent. beautiful. flawless. spending everything you have to feel good. like you`re important. its dancing. dancing like you just don`t care whose looking. maybe its appropriate, maybe not. i don`t always feel like being appropriate, acting like a lady. what if i don`t wanna be modest? what if i wanna go crazy sometimes? its the music. the beating, throbbing of my heart. the excitement. the in evitable longing for more. its letting go. feeling like you`re in control of everything, when its those things that end up controlling you.

reality check- i am not in control and i`m “freely” stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. satan`s ultimate goal is to make me miserable again. satan, back off! good thing god is bigger. i guess because of it, i know my faith is real.

five more days and freedom.

it feels like summer has gone by so fast and it is crazy insane how much god has done. i cant even imagine the pain i was going through three months ago anymore because of the freedom that god has provided me. i am so grateful for this opportunity and i have learned that even in my weakness, god has used me in awesome ways to impact the world.

well start with anna. an absolutely stunning girl with an abundantly overflowing heart for the lord. i cannot imagine project without her. i remember the first week at the three jacks. she was probably the prettiest girl there: dark olive skin, perfect hair and makeup all the time, cute little body, adorable style...but totally and completely down to earth, as well. seriously, i have yet to meet another person who is so beautiful on the outside, yet has a huge heart for the lord and desire to know his plans for her life. for four weeks i watched in amazement at how beautiful anna was, along with all of the other women i was living with, yet i didn`t know how to let my heart be known to them. i was growing in the lord because i was allowing myself to spend time with him again, but i still wasn`t surrendering everything to him. surrender is was, and still is, potentially the most dangerous thing i could think of doing. i couldn`t risk getting hurt again...so i fell back into isolation.

i wanted to be known. i wanted to develop deep friendships with these women. i desired to allow myself to be loved for who i was. but i was absolutely terrified. allowing someone to love me meant giving up my pride and humbling myself in front of someone else. it meant dusting out the corners of my soul and bringing a light into my darkest places. most of all, it meant taking the risk of potentially getting hurt by someone i may come to love. and my whole life has been thriving in the fear of being rejected by someone i love.

the day we were assigned accountability partners i was terrified. i was excited to be paired up with anna, but i was scared of letting her know my heart. but god is so good. all he asks of us is to take a step in obedience and he will be faithful to our hearts. stepping out in faith (which i guess im beginning to realize isn`t something i usually do) with honesty and authenticity from day one, was something the lord was calling me to do and it was extremely difficult.

the morning pastor dave talked about romans 8 was the morning i just lost it. he said not to let satan take hold of anything within you. even the slightest things needed to be rejected in order to experience what god had waiting for me. i was embarrassed for disobeying the lord even in an environment where i am being encouraged all the time. i was embarrassed for my past- the disturbing things i had thought. felt. lived. embarrassed for being in a place where people loved me and wanted to reach out to me, but my pride was just too important for me to give it up. i remember spilling. it was like everything i had ever thought or felt or done just purged out of my body...along with tears. jesus brought the rain. i told her everything. i couldnt do it anymore. and it felt good.

talk about release.

as i talked, god gently picked up the vines that were wrapped around my body, black, thick like tar, and snapped that which i could not break, one by one. instant by instant he clipped that which held me down and healed the cuts left from their deep-seated wounds in my bone. down the marrow, it healed. disinfected and closed up as if it were never there. no scars, just beauty.

anna poured truth into my life and i drank as if i had been in the desert a thousand years. i need others. i was created for relationships. how naive of me to think that i could live this life on my own strength.

god gives us freedom freely...but in order to experience that mind-blowing plan that he has for us, we must give up our lives in surrender, otherwise, we forfeit the grace he given us and the freedom he has called us to live in.

baptized in the ocean

i waited patiently at the sea`s shore. the sky slowly becoming grey. the waves tumbling to my knees. they asked for next in line. it was my turn. i waded out into the water, black, overly large t-shirt becoming drenched as i walked farther, fighting the waves as they continued to pound me. i grabbed his arm and he held me firmly so i would not fall. “Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” he said to me. “YES!” i shouted, excitement swelling up inside of my body. “then it is my honor to baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” i felt my body push down into the cold waves. imersed in the ocean`s salty, foamy liquid. God took everything that i had done to hurt him, to hurt others, to hurt myself. everything i had done that stopped my growth with Jesus was thrown away in that moment. He cleansed me. i came back to surface, letting the warm air deeply fill my lungs in one swift breath. “breathe in life,” the Lord said to me. i smiled at him and said thank you as i walked out of the water, completely renewed. a representation of giving my life back to Jesus after all this time of disobedience. as we waited for the other baptisms to be finished, cheering and screaming for those who made a decision to give their lives over to the Lord, the sky grew darker. we walked back to our blankets and towels, completely drenched in sand and salt. the wind started to pick up, telling us to leave. clouds surrounded us, strange shapes formed in awkward angles above. they approached us faster. darker. stranger. god was going to show us his power. the wind was no longer a breeze, but a sand storm. slapping us as we ran to the boardwalk passing over the dunes to the cars. we needed to get off the island. sand would strike my legs, arms, face in vicious, pounding blows. my life flashed before my eyes. fearfully, the Lord could take my life at any moment. but peace immediately overcame my body. if that were to happen, i would be with the creator of the universe. can you imagine the Lord standing before you?

under attack.

satan was out to get me. i was being thrown in all different directions. i felt helpless. useless. stupid. weak. satan was attacking. throwing everything possible at me that might make me fail. a guy at work was pursuing me. making me feel like i was all he could ever want. calling me beautiful, kind, sexy, easy-going. my dad was fighting with me about money...again. satan wanted me to feel as though no one loved me at home, and i needed someone else to care for me. he threw a man at me offering money to sleep with him. “a thousand dollars,” he said smiling handsome and smooth. satan knew i needed the money and that i wanted to feel wanted. i rebuked him, disturbed. he brought my ex boyfriend into the picture. devastate me by telling me that he is not coming back to college. piercing pain. agony. screaming. embarrassment. my heart broke all over again. and then brings him to ocean city to confuse me even more. “want to walk on the beach?” satan couldn`t have targeted me more! he deceived me. manipulated me. made my weaknesses seem desirable. made sin seem beautiful. made me feel loved and adored and wanted.

“I know the plans i have for you,” declares the Lord.

for the first time in a year i feel like i`ve come through on top of satan! god has already conquered satan and he has so much more in store for me! he had always conquered satan, i just wasn`t allowing myself to experience the freedom that comes through obedience. god calls us to be free. he wants me to experience the joy that only comes through obedience.

i woke up laughing uncontrollably in my bed. rolling over, head in the crook of my elbow, i prayed for strength for the day. that i would not allow satan to take hold of any piece of my life at any moment. laughter spilled out of my body. i couldn`t stop laughing. god spoke, “submit yourself to Me. resist the devil and he will flee from you.” and i thought, satan is attacking me because god has awesome things planned for me and he wants to stop growth in my faith! how cool is it that?! that the reason i am being targeted is because the Lord of creation wants to do something BIG with my life and that is a threat to satan. when we pursue the lord, we are threatening satan. when we speak truth, he can do nothing to argue us. we have authority over satan because the Spirit of God lives inside of us. i couldn`t be more excited right now. it blows my mind how awesome god is. and how he wants to do so many things with my life, all i need to do is say “yes.”

there is now no condemnation in christ jesus

shame. i leave his apartment. down the steps, to the concrete. feet bare, in black and scandal choice. clouds dark, air warm, one drop. to my head. i stop. i dont care. i will do what i want. another drop. i dont care, its about my heart not what i do. the sky opens and god floods the streets and sidewalks. instant trap for my hair and anything else that desires to stay dry. “give it up,” he says to me. but i dont want to. the lord fights with me. “you are not satisfied,” he says. rain drenches my body. hair, dripping, dress swiming, feet splashing in his water. water rises up inside of me. my stomach to my throat, to my eyes. i try to repress it. “surrender it to me,” the lord weeps with me, “i have already suffered for this, you dont need to carry it anymore.” my body shakes in fear and shame. warm tears arise and stream down my face. one immediately after another. warm and salty surrender mixed with cool baptism. i soak in his grace. water up to my knees i slush back and forth in joy.

swelling romance :)

the beach never felt more tangible. the sand never so thick in my hands. the ocean waves never more powerful- foam against the ground. the moon with never more glow. the sky so navy blackened as the coal. the chair. wooden, marked, chipped, oak to steady hold me up above. the view, as if god were to hold me as raffiki did to simba on pride rock. firmly gripping, yet gently nurturing to my needs. god takes hold of me. a heart-capturing, adventure-seeking, joy-spilling, ocean-flooding lord. he excites my soul as i skip inside. “wait. just be still,” he

says to me. “i cant!” i reply. “yes you can.” he builds excitement within me. i begin to giggle as the waves rush to shore and retreat back quickly. a glimpse, he brings a blushing-neon cloud to surface above the blue. my heart beats faster. a few moments. “wait, and i will show you more beauty than you ever imagined.” the sky grew pinker and god slowly romanced me, allowing me to see the sun more and more every second growing golden. my eyes expanded and my insides fluttered. utter joy flushed my face as i sparkled in his glory gift. climbing down to the shore, he romances me with the ocean. “walk in my waves,” he said to me. and so i walked. along the surfaced bubbles, my toes slide. my feet sink. i let them. run. arms spread, soaking him in. he sends waves up to catch me. to my knees they reach me. i giggle at his chasing, enticed by his beauty. me in his image. he shows me, coy and rosing at his silly humor. “i wont find another love like you.”

what is he teaching me?

definitely how there is freedom in obedience. i spent the last year of my life disregarding what god was telling me the whole time. though i am one to learn from my mistakes, i can now say with confidence that it is more fulfilling to listen to god the first time. i never realized how in-tangled in sin i actually was until, after a year of confusion and isolation, i began to actively pursue a relationship with my creator again. and he came through for me. not that i ever doubted god, but i definitely doubted his people. but he is revealing to me that his spirit LIVES IN US! how sweet is that? the creator of the universe takes hold of us so that if only we yield to his law that we are free. but if we decide to ignore the spirit, we only become more confused and dissatisfied.
he is showing me that there are christians who are real. i want to be entirely authentic, but the only way to do that is to yield to the spirit and allow him to move you when he calls. god wants to use me.
he wants to use my gifts.
he is teaching me about my specific gifts. i am realizing more and more how much jesus has given me a heart for international students and different cultures. and he is reassuring me every day of my gift to sing and that i need to use it! god what do you want me to do with my voice?! i want to worship you!
okay so my dream job for the next ten years would be to join a worship band that travels to different countries and gives concerts and gets to know the people of the cultures. if i could do that. wow.

tranquility

as nature surrenders to its creator, i actively surrender to god. crickets in dewed grass, cranes spin and leap and the soft blackbird flees around me. grace. winged creatures glide to slowly rest on lightly bobbing piers. boats spur the water sending ripples, an interrupted calm. slightly salted air. breathe in deep: lungs expanded, shoulders relaxed, rib cage open. “i will fight for you. you need only to be still,” He tells me.

yellow glistens off the melted water below my swinging feet. the choppy movement almost calms me. sounds of lapping on the shoreline and bird songs resonate the soft zephyr of the wind in the bay. the bird still sits perched, turning his head this way and that, as if to watch me, a friend to keep me company in silence. but there really is no such thing as silence. for music is heard in every noise or lack there of.

layers of purple, orange, pink, yellow, ivory and blue silently sink into the bay, one on top of the other. my friend has gone. like the wind, people pass in and out of this broken-hearted city. the sky turns a deeper pink and roses as it blends. the sun`s last farewell to the day, which will soon become utter beauty as night falls. sitting here i feel like the only one at peace. i try to block out the ruff of car engines and airplanes and listen intently to the composition of the bay that He is conducting in my willing hands. beauty. i want to indulge my whole self in the captivating serenity of His creation.

sculptures in the sand

if youve ever been to ocean city, you probably have seen or heard of the sand sculpture man. there is a guy who builds intricate sculptures of jesus and his life, and in the evening he goes out and preaches in front of them to the people of ocean city. this may sound a little crazy and i am the first person to say that i have never believed in this kind of evangelism. but as i listened to him speak, i watched a young guy`s heart change right there a few feet away from me. he was arguing and yelling at the man as if he was so angry with god for all of the pain that was in his life. i watched him struggle with the holy spirit, who was calling him to let go. i just wanted to hug the kid. you could see the pain and brokenness in his eyes as he fought with god. i wanted to let him know that god loves him so much! he tugged at my heart. god broke down his walls right there in front of my eyes. i prayed for him as i walked away back to my group, not wanting to leave them waiting for too long. this guy`s name was kevin. kevin gave his life to christ that night on the boardwalk.

i just began reading jeremiah this week. god is already working through this scripture to change my heart. i read the second half of chapter 2 this morning when god is telling his people that they are disobeying him and scolding them because they fill their lives with things that will destroy their hearts, and deny god. instead of allowing themselves to be glorified through god`s heart for them, they have disreguared him and his commands.

sometimes we get lazy. this morning i made a determined decision to get up earlier and spend some time with jesus. i havent been spending time in the morning, although there is nothing wrong with the afternoon, being on project it has been difficult to find time to spend with him in the afternoon, when i am all burnt out from the morning`s activities. i am reading jeremiah, and the devotional i read today talked about how to find time by praying while you prepare yourself physically and spiritually for the day:

tomorrow as you shower, praise god for the cleansing that jesus` forgiveness provides. as you`re getting dressed, thank god for clothing you with righteousness. when you put on your moisturizer, ask god to soften your heart to his leading throughout the day. as you apply your makeup, thank him for being the foundation of your life. when you put in your contacts, ask god to give you eyes to see his workings in the world. and as you put on your earrings, thank him for beautifying your life with the fruits of the spirit.

i want to be authentic.

never in my life did i think i would be where i am now. never did i consider falling into the things i have let take control of my mind and body. never did i imagine a life without laughter and joy. never did i visualize myself walking without letting my lord drive me.

writing is about being honest with yourself. i am not always honest with myself, but writing has helped me to let go and be real. i think we all have issues with being real these days. i want to be authentic. i think that every person, whether they realize it or not, truly desires to find their own authentic beauty. every person wants to be fully known by someone else. we just don`t know how. so i am going to start with being honest with myself.

i was so strong. a year ago i was determined to do the will of my lord. i was willing to let my jesus talk to me and guide me through every decision i made. i was in the word every day. he taught me something new with every fragment of scripture i read. i prayed. every day for hours i sat in the corner of the nest, without doubt, i would be there. i let my life revolve around my time with god. i did not allow myself to do my homework until i had spent time with him. i fully believed that if i gave my time to god, he would give it back to me. and he did. every day i worshiped him in ways other than song. i discovered my love for writing and worshiped him with that. my corner where i sat through the pounding rain when the sky made love with the ground, the flowers blooming colors and lines of bumblebees in springtime green, snowflake evenings of michael buble and hot chocolate burning tongues. i was there, and willing to hear the voice of my lord.

it was there that i actively sought god with every breath.

as time went by, i slowly allowed sin to creep into my life. inch by inch darkness slithered into corners where i had not dusted in a while. without realizing, i let it sit there. it twisted me. it sat and twisted. sat and twisted. thorny vines sprouted and multiplied as they slithey pushed and turned and squeezed portions of my heart. suffocated pieces of me that made me who i am. suffocated the real me. authentic me. i could not discover my authentic heart because i had let sin capture my thoughts, my emotions, my body. once it took control, it thrived. it clutched every part of me that`s real and contorted it. it chained me down. i tried to run but i couldn`t escape, the chains only let me go so far before they tugged at my arms and sent me flying in reverse onto my back to start the pain all over again in the same ritual. running and falling. running and falling. part of me wanted to stay that way. i was so comfortable with my lifestyle that i gave up fighting. i had let my guard down. i allowed myself to be fully known by another person. i broke the covenant that had been set by god. i allowed myself to be changed by something other than Him. all i could pray was “help.”

the crazy thing about jesus, is that he looks at us in our most broken, rugged state: hair tangled in knots, face dirty, knees stained, clothes ripped and hearts broken, and he has compassion on us. he can pick us up wherever we are and give us hope.

i am leaving for summer project in ocean city tomorrow morning. for the first time in a long time i feel as though i am not chained down to my sin. god has always walked with me throughout this time, it was my stubbornness that kept me from changing. there are so many things that i regret, but at the same time, i would not have learned had i not experienced those things. i am coming back to my contentment in myself and in my salvation with a new perspective. with new eyes. this time has been rough and this project is going to push me, but i expect god to change my heart. it is through brokenness that we are strengthened. every note i sing, “break my heart for what breaks Yours,” is a prayer to be changed and molded and broken for the heart of jesus.

i was reading in my bible this morning when i fell asleep. when i woke up i guess the fan had turned the pages because it was set on a new passage. i had highlighted a verse that i hadn`t studied in a while:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23

this summer i want to be flexible, not just to the needs of other people, but to god. i have not given him the control that he asks for over my life, and i have seen where that can go. there are so many things god is speaking to me about right now but not enough time to write them all down. i cannot wait to serve this summer and to rediscover the freedom jesus has given to me. it is about dying every single day to our sin and praying that god will take control. praying for indifference to anything that is not his will for my life. and running the moment we notice deception, lies, seductiveness and fear, that satan throws in front of us every day.

jesus, i am so weak right now. but i know that i can have hope for the future that you have planned for me. teach me what it means to guard my heart. break my heart for what breaks yours this summer. prepare my hands and heart for the people i will meet and the conversations i will have while i am there. i want to be real. i want to be authenticly renewed into the woman you created me to be. help me to see people through your eyes, with compassion and wisdom. strengthen me to have joy and contentment in You.

hillary nicole

morning chippers

"but blessed is the man who trusts in the lord, whose confidence is in him. he will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. it does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. it has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it? i the lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
jeremiah 17:7-10

i love being outside. there`s something about nature after it rains that brings peace to my soul. sitting on the porch, protected by the screen, yet still taking part in what`s going on out there. listen to the birds. they are beautiful! singing out as loud as they can to the lord! listen to the birds, how they glorify him with every breath. in a way, it is like that with all nature. every living thing, except man, lives, breathes and dies for what it was created to be. wouldn`t it be freeing if we just lived solely for what we were created to be? without worry or doubt because we knew what we were doing was what we were created for? god created us to glorify him! he gives us our talents and passions and little quirky habits so that we can use them! we are supposed to be excited about our gifts and use them every day! just like the gift of salvation- he gave it to us so that we could take it. he wants us to be with him. he is jealous for us. jealous of the things that capture us and lead our lives.

i wish that i could be like the birds. they trust their creator, knowing that every day without doubt, that they were created to sing and chirp and peep and squawk and chip and pipe and tweedle and tweet and warble to glorify the lord. why can`t i be that confident?

thunder

it begins with one drop. spatter on my forehead, trickle down my freckled, sun-kissed cheeks to the tip of my chin. drip. to the ground. smash to the concrete. and then another. and then another. within seconds heaven opens up and the sky pours nourishment onto the green earth like an child`s overturned swimming pool. purples tulips. maples crimson. acorns tumble. thunder rolls. a bowling ball as it pounds the angel`s alleys and crash to lightening. sudden golden fire sparks as far as i can see. jagged ends and crisp turns traveling down and down the tapestry of the skies deep, clouded, blue, black canvass. burning sensations. i feel the livid passion of the Creator with every bowl. every time he strikes out. every time without doubt he comes through. why do i doubt Him? His love is so thick with the rain. bring the rain. soil loosens, my heart softens. rain becomes peaceful. comfort, to hear the pitter patter on the roofs of houses and window`s glass. the drenched earth breathes.

Stars

We walked from the car to the field carrying our blankets and warm cups of love. The grass was slightly damp and cold, slippering my toes on flip flops as I walked. We found the perfect patch of grass in the middle where we spread the blanket. He took out his guitar and began strumming. The crisp sound of new strings resonate, colorfully inviting. I lay there staring at the stars God planted in the pitch purple sky. Gleaming spirits glistening gold. They each are different, yet the same. Little beats of radiance, dartle back and forth like puppets on a string. Beaming bubbles shimmer in the most beautiful dance of all. The music continued. Picking lightly in the back of my mind as he sang. I remembered all the times I have gazed up at the dazzling animated sparkles and the sensation of being such a small, yet important piece of this world.

pain.

A searing stab penetrates the stomach, turning itself one way and then another, as if to carve out the only hopeful piece of me: my broken heart. Suffering torture of the mind through body. Physical illness overwhelms my flesh in throbbing nausea. Unexpected purging. Sensations travel up my throat to tongue, teeth, lips. Nervousness: never ending whirlpools rage through the body. Memories sting my mind, leading to the repetitive agony of heartache from my tingling toes to the tip of my head. Swelling, puffy, pink eyes bring pretty teardrops to the flawless, porcelain, rose kissed cheeks. Slow motion,the desolate room spins. The oak floor drenched in wet, salty pain. Naked, I stand. Light beams through the open sun-soaked window, casting soft shades onto my bare body. Beauty at its best. Absolute vulnerability. I want to run. I want to run into the arms of my prince and never let go. Forever we would be together. No drama. No manipulation. No lies. I want to wallow in his strength and dance in the joy of what love means. I want to be drenched in His silky, white purity. I am a broken woman. But brokenness makes us stronger. Transforms us into something more beautiful: what we were created to be.

let Him.

I remember the day Kerry pulled me aside and asked me to lead the congregation in worship on Sunday morning. I was uncertain. The massive, newly-built, white church was a flawless building containing not-so-flawless people. In an ultra conservative-traditional Presbyterian Church, where the adults love you just because you`re youthful, the elders pick out every flaw possible, the youth struggle with the pull between the traditional and contemporary and the music ministry flourished, we led.

God provided me with an amazing way to minister to others in a way in which I am passionate about through a gift that we all can relate to. Music. On stage, mic in hand, I let go of all emotions breaking through the barriers that held us back from unity. God has pushed me to become more than I deserve. Although I had accomplished a lot in high school vocally, nothing comes close to what God did through my time with the music ministry. Music became more than something I enjoyed to do, it became something that I passionately desired to use to share my testimony with others. I am honored to have been a part of such an amazing experience. That God trusted his young daughter to spread the gospel with her voice in song. I witnessed lives changed.

I remember the summer God`s scripture became real to me. His words were already embedded in my heart through song, and now they were jumping off the pages of my Bible and into my soul. He told me that I am his daughter and he will protect me. He promised me His perfect plan and taught me that I had nothing to fear. He was preparing me for a time of uncertainty, where I would face fear. This was during a mission project called Youth With A Mission. The long days before my trip, where the sandy, summer breeze brushed by my face turning pages in the pink treasure that held my deepest thoughts, were crucial to my spiritual growth. Those eleven days before I left for Florida on the veranda, overlooking the turquoise ocean with the comforting scent of coffee and colorful, fresh fruit breakfasts, were where the Lord told me he was about to do something big in my life. I asked him to prepare my hands and heart for how he was going to use me in the next two weeks of service.

It is through brokenness that we grow stronger; like a muscle torn, we are strengthened by our dedication and endurance. God has placed a desire in my heart to fully know him, and fully know myself. I can never fully know myself if I do not know Him, for He created every intricate part of me. People can change if they meet Jesus face to face. For He can meet you wherever you are and carry you, if only you let Him. Sing. Love. Dance. You-be-You. It`s freeing.

laughing harmonies

white zinfandel in hand, chilled by sweet blackberries, we sat on the couch in her cozy home. we talked about my insecurities for the things i am meant to be pursuing. i poured my heart out. i haven`t been singing at all. maybe its because i was praised so much in high school, and now there is lack of encouragement from the ones i have loved the most. maybe its just because sarah has been in florence all semester and i didn`t have a friend who knew my heart to tell me the truth. or maybe it was because he hated my gift. once again, satan had gained control of my thoughts and i let him manipulate me into thinking that i wasn`t supposed to use my passions because that would be selfish.

it does not matter how people react to my love for singing harmonies, my bellowing laugh or my desire to go into something that isn`t considered a “real job” in this country. what matters is what god is doing in my heart while i do these things. for so long i have let my fears of peoples` opinions rule the decisions that make up part of who i am. because people told me i was selfish for enjoying my talent to sing, i stopped singing. when i received mean glares because my laugh could be heard from afar, i held it in. when relatives and well-respected elders said it was stupid to go into missions, i looked into other careers. i was so concerned about what others thought of me that i let my fears of not being loved for who i was created to be, prevent me from fully knowing myself in Christ. i was trying to please those around me, but by doing this, i was stifling the chance for god to use me to reach others.

it is about my heart. it is about my talents- but not for me, and not even for others. but for God. i have come to realize that my voice is not mine, it is God`s. he has trusted me with such a gift of his that i am able to be used by him to reach people in ways that not everyone else can. i realize that my voice is different. but i never wanted to embrace it for the fear of other people thinking i was selfishly using it to be praised. i was afraid of being seen as self-centered. i was scared to ask to sing solos in church because i was scared of others thinking i wanted to steal the limelight. but i have come to realize that it is selfish to not share my voice with the world. (i even have trouble typing this statement right this very minute for the fear of you judging me as selfish for saying that). but she helped me understand this in a different light. because my voice is God`s way of reaching people, it is not selfish to share it with others. it is something that i love and passionate enjoy sharing with others. i long to be seen for who i truely was created to be and part of that is my voice. God created me with this voice because he wanted me to use it. it would be selfish to be anything other than indifferent towards things that are not the will of God. and part of God`s will for my life is to sing. he wouldn`t just create me with passions and desires to be used in high school and then thrown away when i graduated. there has got to be a reason for this passion in my life.

lord, change my heart. make me indifferent to anything that is not your will for my life. make me the woman you created me to be and help me to be indifferent about what people think. all that matters is that i serve you. i am worshiping you when i use the talents you placed in me. you created a hope for me and a future for my passions. nothing you create is worthless. help me to let go and be freed by finding my authentic heart.

keys.

he holds the key. he knows my every flaw, every joy, every sorrow, every scar, every freckle. he knows the things of which im embarrassed and the things of which i rejoice over. he knows the sins ive committed, the selfish thoughts and words that consume me. he knows my deepest desires, my passions, my insecurities. every inch of my heart and mind- every drop of blood that has dripped from my body- he knows.

i always thought i would allow the key of my heart to only one person, but now im not so sure. it has been taken and it has been abused. its been loved and its been hated. its carefully, slowly kissed and its been angrily, rapturously stifled. the key has been contorted into something it wasnt created for. its been hidden. its been kept. but it has also been set free. it has been let go. it has limitlessly soared. it has touched souls. it has given all its had. its been burnt out. but its been filled to overflow into the garden. where ripe fruit juices gush harmoniously onto the ground. red, luscious cascading tartness and sprinkled sugar melt down my hand as i drink in the pouring out of the spirit. and abundant thickness of the fruit play bountiful in my garden. the garden of my inner sanctuary, which can be made a flawless, transparent, unadulterated palace. this palace is where the key belongs. the key that the only ONE may enter and may satisfy.

a budding romance

i have been keeping a journal on and off since i was thirteen years old. from a young age i always loved english the most out of all of my classes. i would take writing a paper over taking a test any time. i began keeping my journal in eighth grade while i was on a retreat with my youth group called In Search of a Princess. we stayed at a crown hotel in a land far away from home. this was where i first officially recognized what having a personal relationship with jesus meant. it was the budding of an enchanting love that would forevermore blossom in my heart. i specifically remember the day that Kimberly Powers gave us a writing assignment. She gave us blue, clouded paper to write on and an envelope. we were asked to write a letter to God about anything we wanted to. anything that was going on in our lives, how we wanted to change, if we wanted to change, our emotions, joys and struggles. sending them to him. i sealed my envelope with a kiss and sent it to Kimberly who sent it to me six months later.

my family moved from the sophisticated, traffic packed streets of DC to the tranquility of the Ozark Mountains and Lakes last summer. as i was packing up my lilac room, reminiscing in the memories of pictured paper, ribbons and the cutouts of my scrapbooks, i came upon the envelope that held that very special letter. as i read, i grinned at the memory of the desires of a young girl`s heart which had been hiding in this small, secret package, waiting for me to come along and drip the tears of growth and love onto its perfect sky pages. the pages told of the beginning of a love journey. the journey of a princess accepting her father`s forgiveness and redemption because of his sacrifice. she was his prize. he was enthralled by her beauty, the essence of who she truly was created to be. she was awakening from the deep slumber of death and was beginning to tiptoe into a foreign, radiant love light.

this triggered my desire to write...2.15.10.

the point.

i originally started a travel blog for a class i was taking last semester. i wanted to continue that blog, but i wanted it to have a more distinct focus: my authentic heart. instead of just creating descriptions of where i am and what i am doing, i want to include what i am learning and how god is working in my life. i write to discover a deeper understanding of who i was created to be. i write to actively pursue my jesus. i write to encounter the love of god. i dont know if anyone will read this, and i guess it doesnt really matter. if you are reading this, i hope that you find it entertaining.

i pray that god will use this to evoke questions and stir your spirit.