honestly, i love sin. it scares me. i love lust. why is it that as much as i know something will hurt me, i choose do it anyways? its not even mistake, i intentionally go out of my way to bring back that part of my life that has been forgiven; that wrecked my name and threw away my self-respect. life is just a circle of continued running, falling, sucking, getting back up and doing it all over again. i know he`s not good for me, yet i want him anyways. his manipulative smile, the romance, the heat. it sucks. god tells me “wait” and i tell Him “no.” if its not him, its something else. its the perfect guy in the back of my mind who will always just be my friend but treats me like gold. i could never have him. i would never tell him, that would be embarrassing. its the random, neck-bearded hippie who looks over me as if i`m a slab of meat- but the feeling of being wanted is too strong to stop. its the one who knows my past, knows my weaknesses, knows my passions and my fears. those bedroom eyes. the sexual tension. but it would never work. its my barista- the free coffee, cute smile, coy flirtation, completely innocent. its the alcohol. its the feeling of forgetting everything and loosing it for a night. indulging in anything that will numb my mind and stop the feeling in my fingers. the taste. the filling up. the blacking out. its shopping. its being careless. independent. beautiful. flawless. spending everything you have to feel good. like you`re important. its dancing. dancing like you just don`t care whose looking. maybe its appropriate, maybe not. i don`t always feel like being appropriate, acting like a lady. what if i don`t wanna be modest? what if i wanna go crazy sometimes? its the music. the beating, throbbing of my heart. the excitement. the in evitable longing for more. its letting go. feeling like you`re in control of everything, when its those things that end up controlling you.
reality check- i am not in control and i`m “freely” stabbing myself repeatedly in the heart. satan`s ultimate goal is to make me miserable again. satan, back off! good thing god is bigger. i guess because of it, i know my faith is real.
No comments:
Post a Comment