loosing my virginity

there is just something about buying a cup of coffee that makes the world turn that much smoother. at christmastime starbucks decks their cups with red and white snowflakes and carolers, delicately topping the softly whipped cream with dotted green and red. and the decorative cups brew an even better coffee, producing a special kind of magic that i wait for every year to envelop my mouth and consume my taste buds. white peppermint mochas, gingerbread lattes, eggnog, toffee nut, caramel brulee!

i order my signature holiday drink: a grande nonfat peppermint latte, with no foam. my mouth begins to salivate as i hand the cashier my credit card. before she can swipe, john steps in. punching his code and waving my fee, upgrading me to a venti with a smile and a “how are you?” i`ve known john for years. from the days when he worked at game stop at the strip; i was fifteen and sporting volcom and heavy eyeliner. back when the shade of black was my favorite color and my vans were laced with pink on the left sneaker and blue duckies on the right. our relationship has moved on since then, going from awkward, Ville Valo obsessed, teenage girls stopping by the game store to talk to creepy older men for no apparent reason to early twenties, free coffee and enjoying each others company when there is nothing to do in nova but just sit and caffeinate your heart.

i remember the first day i ever went to starbucks. i was thirteen and it was snowing outside. i had decided to join the youth choir at church and it was my first day leading the worship service. december. the church was decorated with garland, holly and wreathes hanging from the balcony of the white sanctuary. christmas trees and lights and red poinsettias. there were only eight of us that day...pastor pete had the first service and then cancelled church for the rest of the morning because of the blizzard going on outside. the eight o`clock service consisted of the older couples in the church and parents of the youth choir. after church three of the high school guys in the choir approached me, asking me to come to starbucks with them. when i asked them what starbucks was a look of shock fell upon their faces, and shortly after, determination as they insisted i come along for the adventure.

try fitting three tall fellows and two eighth grade girls in a tiny car in the middle of a blizzard, in northern virginia during christmas [which is like traffic lights on steroids]. i was voted the smallest and requested to lay over top of three people in the back seat because there was no room for an actual seat. [this was back when the old starbucks by pamered party was the only existing coffeeshop, mind you]. and we trecked through the ice and snow the whole two blocks to capture our coffee.

and that was the day i lost my virginity to a delicious carmel macchiato. i fell in love with this beautiful, dolche drink. the light caramel and espresso mixed together smoothly, captured my most delicate passions and desires. everything that i wanted when it came to a cup of coffee. love in a cup.

wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.