wanting to hibernate

“for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” -Exodus 34:14

i have done a lot in the past month that i regret. i have been taking my anti-depressants for a full year now and for the first time i felt the same way i did before the medication. this happened last week. i have been feeling sleepy at all hours of the day, unmotivated, anti-social, lazy, and just wanting to be alone. but feeling lonely at the same time. sometimes i wish i could just go into hibernation and disappear during the winter months. its so cold and negative and lacking with light. my body rejects it this season.

god has reminded me this weekend that i am believing lies and that i have power over those lies. my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness are lies from the deceiver. i have been feeling like no one really cares. no one would want to get to know me. no one would want to love me. unloveable. but god is jealous of the things that hold me in this depression. having seasonal effective disorder is something i will have to live with for a long time, if not for the rest of my life. but god always provides a way to cope. sometimes i get mad that this is something that i am forced to live with. nobody wants to live like this. it can be so frustrating.

but god always comes through, and he answers the prayers of a faithful servant. i have been asking for families and older women in my life for so long now and have almost given up searching for friends. last week my bible study leader e-mailed me with information about a women who was interested in discipling me. last week at church i met a fun couple who actually had the same interests as me and we talked for a long time. this week god sat me behind an older women who clearly has a heart for young people. she immediately introduced herself to me and expressed an interest in getting to know each other. turns out she is an english major too and has a brother doing undercover mission work in the ukraine teaching literature to international students. how cool is that?! after the service she handed me a little cross bookmark that she had written on in purple, “enjoyed talking and singing with you today.” those words, as little as they were meant so much to me. and this women doesn`t know how refreshing it was to feel loved and wanted.

i miss my mom. i wish she were here. i wish i didn`t have to fly for a whole day to see my family. i wish i didn`t have to plan months in advance just to see my family. the distance has been good for all of us i think. but it still hurts. when they moved it was like the already distant relationships i had with them, or didn`t have, solidified the relationships. the distance was no longer metaphorical. they were permanent.

but god is jealous for me, for he calls himself Jealous. and he wants me. he wants all of me. he wants to show me what he can do with my heart. i want that.