Thursday, August 5, 2010

five more days and freedom.


it feels like summer has gone by so fast and it is crazy insane how much god has done. i cant even imagine the pain i was going through three months ago anymore because of the freedom that god has provided me. i am so grateful for this opportunity and i have learned that even in my weakness, god has used me in awesome ways to impact the world.

well start with anna. an absolutely stunning girl with an abundantly overflowing heart for the lord. i cannot imagine project without her. i remember the first week at the three jacks. she was probably the prettiest girl there: dark olive skin, perfect hair and makeup all the time, cute little body, adorable style...but totally and completely down to earth, as well. seriously, i have yet to meet another person who is so beautiful on the outside, yet has a huge heart for the lord and desire to know his plans for her life. for four weeks i watched in amazement at how beautiful anna was, along with all of the other women i was living with, yet i didn`t know how to let my heart be known to them. i was growing in the lord because i was allowing myself to spend time with him again, but i still wasn`t surrendering everything to him. surrender is was, and still is, potentially the most dangerous thing i could think of doing. i couldn`t risk getting hurt again...so i fell back into isolation.


i wanted to be known. i wanted to develop deep friendships with these women. i desired to allow myself to be loved for who i was. but i was absolutely terrified. allowing someone to love me meant giving up my pride and humbling myself in front of someone else. it meant dusting out the corners of my soul and bringing a light into my darkest places. most of all, it meant taking the risk of potentially getting hurt by someone i may come to love. and my whole life has been thriving in the fear of being rejected by someone i love.


the day we were assigned accountability partners i was terrified. i was excited to be paired up with anna, but i was scared of letting her know my heart. but god is so good. all he asks of us is to take a step in obedience and he will be faithful to our hearts. stepping out in faith (which i guess im beginning to realize isn`t something i usually do) with honesty and authenticity from day one, was something the lord was calling me to do and it was extremely difficult.


the morning pastor dave talked about romans 8 was the morning i just lost it. he said not to let satan take hold of anything within you. even the slightest things needed to be rejected in order to experience what god had waiting for me. i was embarrassed for disobeying the lord even in an environment where i am being encouraged all the time. i was embarrassed for my past- the disturbing things i had thought. felt. lived. embarrassed for being in a place where people loved me and wanted to reach out to me, but my pride was just too important for me to give it up. i remember spilling. it was like everything i had ever thought or felt or done just purged out of my body...along with tears. jesus brought the rain. i told her everything. i couldnt do it anymore. and it felt good.


talk about release.

as i talked, god gently picked up the vines that were wrapped around my body, black, thick like tar, and snapped that which i could not break, one by one. instant by instant he clipped that which held me down and healed the cuts left from their deep-seated wounds in my bone. down the marrow, it healed. disinfected and closed up as if it were never there. no scars, just beauty.


anna poured truth into my life and i drank as if i had been in the desert a thousand years. i need others. i was created for relationships. how naive of me to think that i could live this life on my own strength.


god gives us freedom freely...but in order to experience that mind-blowing plan that he has for us, we must give up our lives in surrender, otherwise, we forfeit the grace he given us and the freedom he has called us to live in.

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