never in my life did i think i would be where i am now. never did i consider falling into the things i have let take control of my mind and body. never did i imagine a life without laughter and joy. never did i visualize myself walking without letting my lord drive me.
writing is about being honest with yourself. i am not always honest with myself, but writing has helped me to let go and be real. i think we all have issues with being real these days. i want to be authentic. i think that every person, whether they realize it or not, truly desires to find their own authentic beauty. every person wants to be fully known by someone else. we just don`t know how. so i am going to start with being honest with myself.
i was so strong. a year ago i was determined to do the will of my lord. i was willing to let my jesus talk to me and guide me through every decision i made. i was in the word every day. he taught me something new with every fragment of scripture i read. i prayed. every day for hours i sat in the corner of the nest, without doubt, i would be there. i let my life revolve around my time with god. i did not allow myself to do my homework until i had spent time with him. i fully believed that if i gave my time to god, he would give it back to me. and he did. every day i worshiped him in ways other than song. i discovered my love for writing and worshiped him with that. my corner where i sat through the pounding rain when the sky made love with the ground, the flowers blooming colors and lines of bumblebees in springtime green, snowflake evenings of michael buble and hot chocolate burning tongues. i was there, and willing to hear the voice of my lord.
it was there that i actively sought god with every breath.
as time went by, i slowly allowed sin to creep into my life. inch by inch darkness slithered into corners where i had not dusted in a while. without realizing, i let it sit there. it twisted me. it sat and twisted. sat and twisted. thorny vines sprouted and multiplied as they slithey pushed and turned and squeezed portions of my heart. suffocated pieces of me that made me who i am. suffocated the real me. authentic me. i could not discover my authentic heart because i had let sin capture my thoughts, my emotions, my body. once it took control, it thrived. it clutched every part of me that`s real and contorted it. it chained me down. i tried to run but i couldn`t escape, the chains only let me go so far before they tugged at my arms and sent me flying in reverse onto my back to start the pain all over again in the same ritual. running and falling. running and falling. part of me wanted to stay that way. i was so comfortable with my lifestyle that i gave up fighting. i had let my guard down. i allowed myself to be fully known by another person. i broke the covenant that had been set by god. i allowed myself to be changed by something other than Him. all i could pray was “help.”
the crazy thing about jesus, is that he looks at us in our most broken, rugged state: hair tangled in knots, face dirty, knees stained, clothes ripped and hearts broken, and he has compassion on us. he can pick us up wherever we are and give us hope.
i am leaving for summer project in ocean city tomorrow morning. for the first time in a long time i feel as though i am not chained down to my sin. god has always walked with me throughout this time, it was my stubbornness that kept me from changing. there are so many things that i regret, but at the same time, i would not have learned had i not experienced those things. i am coming back to my contentment in myself and in my salvation with a new perspective. with new eyes. this time has been rough and this project is going to push me, but i expect god to change my heart. it is through brokenness that we are strengthened. every note i sing, “break my heart for what breaks Yours,” is a prayer to be changed and molded and broken for the heart of jesus.
i was reading in my bible this morning when i fell asleep. when i woke up i guess the fan had turned the pages because it was set on a new passage. i had highlighted a verse that i hadn`t studied in a while:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” - Proverbs 4:23
this summer i want to be flexible, not just to the needs of other people, but to god. i have not given him the control that he asks for over my life, and i have seen where that can go. there are so many things god is speaking to me about right now but not enough time to write them all down. i cannot wait to serve this summer and to rediscover the freedom jesus has given to me. it is about dying every single day to our sin and praying that god will take control. praying for indifference to anything that is not his will for my life. and running the moment we notice deception, lies, seductiveness and fear, that satan throws in front of us every day.
jesus, i am so weak right now. but i know that i can have hope for the future that you have planned for me. teach me what it means to guard my heart. break my heart for what breaks yours this summer. prepare my hands and heart for the people i will meet and the conversations i will have while i am there. i want to be real. i want to be authenticly renewed into the woman you created me to be. help me to see people through your eyes, with compassion and wisdom. strengthen me to have joy and contentment in You.
hillary nicole
awesome
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