laughing harmonies

white zinfandel in hand, chilled by sweet blackberries, we sat on the couch in her cozy home. we talked about my insecurities for the things i am meant to be pursuing. i poured my heart out. i haven`t been singing at all. maybe its because i was praised so much in high school, and now there is lack of encouragement from the ones i have loved the most. maybe its just because sarah has been in florence all semester and i didn`t have a friend who knew my heart to tell me the truth. or maybe it was because he hated my gift. once again, satan had gained control of my thoughts and i let him manipulate me into thinking that i wasn`t supposed to use my passions because that would be selfish.

it does not matter how people react to my love for singing harmonies, my bellowing laugh or my desire to go into something that isn`t considered a “real job” in this country. what matters is what god is doing in my heart while i do these things. for so long i have let my fears of peoples` opinions rule the decisions that make up part of who i am. because people told me i was selfish for enjoying my talent to sing, i stopped singing. when i received mean glares because my laugh could be heard from afar, i held it in. when relatives and well-respected elders said it was stupid to go into missions, i looked into other careers. i was so concerned about what others thought of me that i let my fears of not being loved for who i was created to be, prevent me from fully knowing myself in Christ. i was trying to please those around me, but by doing this, i was stifling the chance for god to use me to reach others.

it is about my heart. it is about my talents- but not for me, and not even for others. but for God. i have come to realize that my voice is not mine, it is God`s. he has trusted me with such a gift of his that i am able to be used by him to reach people in ways that not everyone else can. i realize that my voice is different. but i never wanted to embrace it for the fear of other people thinking i was selfishly using it to be praised. i was afraid of being seen as self-centered. i was scared to ask to sing solos in church because i was scared of others thinking i wanted to steal the limelight. but i have come to realize that it is selfish to not share my voice with the world. (i even have trouble typing this statement right this very minute for the fear of you judging me as selfish for saying that). but she helped me understand this in a different light. because my voice is God`s way of reaching people, it is not selfish to share it with others. it is something that i love and passionate enjoy sharing with others. i long to be seen for who i truely was created to be and part of that is my voice. God created me with this voice because he wanted me to use it. it would be selfish to be anything other than indifferent towards things that are not the will of God. and part of God`s will for my life is to sing. he wouldn`t just create me with passions and desires to be used in high school and then thrown away when i graduated. there has got to be a reason for this passion in my life.

lord, change my heart. make me indifferent to anything that is not your will for my life. make me the woman you created me to be and help me to be indifferent about what people think. all that matters is that i serve you. i am worshiping you when i use the talents you placed in me. you created a hope for me and a future for my passions. nothing you create is worthless. help me to let go and be freed by finding my authentic heart.