shame. i leave his apartment. down the steps, to the concrete. feet bare, in black and scandal choice. clouds dark, air warm, one drop. to my head. i stop. i dont care. i will do what i want. another drop. i dont care, its about my heart not what i do. the sky opens and god floods the streets and sidewalks. instant trap for my hair and anything else that desires to stay dry. “give it up,” he says to me. but i dont want to. the lord fights with me. “you are not satisfied,” he says. rain drenches my body. hair, dripping, dress swiming, feet splashing in his water. water rises up inside of me. my stomach to my throat, to my eyes. i try to repress it. “surrender it to me,” the lord weeps with me, “i have already suffered for this, you dont need to carry it anymore.” my body shakes in fear and shame. warm tears arise and stream down my face. one immediately after another. warm and salty surrender mixed with cool baptism. i soak in his grace. water up to my knees i slush back and forth in joy.
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