family and my uterus

i never write this late in the evening.

i have been thinking about my family a lot lately. my dad`s birthday was on saturday, september 11th and i didn`t really get a chance to talk to him. for that i feel ashamed. i remember back to when i couldn`t even hug my dad, let alone kiss his cheek for the sake of being vulnerable with him. i don`t know what it is about him, but there is just something that makes me hold back. i wish my parents knew how i feel. for years i have tried to tell them, but they always seem to direct the conversation to my faults instead of my feelings. defensive and in denial, my mother cannot take the blame. even when im not asking for blame, i am looked at like i was when i was a child. they don`t seen to understand that i have changed since then. it really upsets me.




(mom, jack and our dog bailey :)


i want more than anything to have a family. i was a husband who is loyal and honest
with me. i want to be with someone who will encourage me in my walk with the lord and not scold me for my mishaps, but who will walk with me through them. i want my children to know that their parents love jesus. i want my kids to know who jesus is- that you can actually have a relationship with him! and that he wants you to LIVE. i want more than anything to be united with my family. for them to truly know my heart and to just love me for that.

i just want to cry. it could be because i may be PMSing...felt the first cramp of fire tonight. im craving
chocolate and queso constantly. nothing is too much right now. headaches. backaches. finger aches! my eye is dying for crying out loud! my body is clearly pre-gaming for the big KA-BOOM that will ignite in my uterus within the next week.


ANDDD i keep craving the airport! i actually WANT to be at the atlanta airport right now. sitting and waiting. sitting and waiting. walking to other ports in order to sit and wait. looking for new stores i have yet to find in order to fill my 5 hour layovers + more than likely 2 hours of delays, while i fill myself with ben and jerry`s $6 airport smoothies, read cosmo and hide from creepers.


wow.